caveat lector.

lookingback

2008-10-06T10:20:00.003+08:00

Its awesome. This long exodus only served to reinvigorate, my final pilgrimage turned revival. And as I sit, television on in the background, lights off in the room and still in my sleeping attire, I realise old habits die hard.
Looking back on my dec 31 post, I feel only pride. If a little regret, for not setting the bar higher. This year saw far more firsts than I had anticipated:

NUS Biathlon
Singapore Biathlon (mar 01)
Sundown Marathon (may 31)
Mizuno Run
OSIM triathlon
Army Half Marathon (1'28'59)
Aviva Half Ironman (5'47)

yea baby. I've come a long way. And my bike and I have become one. Though the irony that my bike screwed me out of a decent pre-taiwan ride yesterday is not lost on me. Panaracer tyres may not be the best choice perhaps. hmm.
I've just finished my SATs too, and am looking to work on my chicago essay in taiwan, bringing my 2008 to a successful close.

The big big disappointment this year in my race calendar would be the SAFSA cross that I missed out on. Tasked to conduct range for my wing, I was promised someone would stand in for me on the second day so I could go for my run. Giving credit where its due, that promise was lived up to, but with the first day ending at 1am with all sorts of problems, clearly support was lacking. A myopic and narrow promise therefore resembles little consolation. That event meant so much to me, not just for the team or the institution we were representing, but for the plain fact that I desperately needed to rewrite my bleak history on the cross country platform. My abundant failures in both years during jc needed to be undone, with this singular success. Yet that wasn't allowed. And I am pissed. To the point of looking forward to the severance of ties on the beautiful day that approaches. I'll miss the few and enjoy the absence of many.
Give me no memories for those that I wish to hold on to have been tainted.

And so it is, in this defeated state of mind that I embark on my second trip to the promiseland. Full of hate and spite, of ambivalence regarding those whom're close (how do you hate a group that contains close friends). And I'm sick.

I'll look forward to my red blood cell proliferation. My secret training. My powerman when I return. And my departure, my new life.

Cheers.

2008-01-03T23:15:00.000+08:00

the ones that act poor and never buy the right attire so they can ACT COOL wearing SUBSTANDARD GEAR and throw everyone off and come out tops, leaving all the BRANDED PEOPLE feeling jealous and NOT GOOD about themselves

talking with you i feel like myself.
i don't like that.
i should stop.

aspirations.08

2007-12-31T19:49:00.000+08:00

catalysed by inspiration.
achieved by perspiration.

1. to master my road bike.
2. to compete in the Singapore biathlon, 1/03/08
3. to compete in OSIM triathlon in july 08.
4. to be a good section instructor.
5. to complete SATs and relevant application procedures.
6. to think hard about what i want to be. about who i want to be.
7. to be completed.

jas

2007-11-21T23:23:00.000+08:00

'jas do wat ur heart tells ya'....
'jas do wat ur heart tells ya'....
'jas do wate ur heart tells ya'...
'jas do watev ur heart tells ya'...
'jas do wateva ur heart tells ya'...

Send.

what the hell man.
psychology? all you need's a ride in the train or a trip to the run down toilet.

what's in a message? i don't get why people intentionally elongate messages without adding to the content value. Aiming at annoyance? Targeting the trivial? or simply seeking sufficiency?
an indication of insecurity or a confirmation of confidence?

what's in a message?

a run unlike any other.

2007-11-17T19:58:00.000+08:00

"Some people create with words, or with music, or with a brush and paints. I like to make something beautiful when I run. I like to make people stop and say, "I've never seen anyone run like that before." It's more then just a race, it's a style. It's doing something better then anyone else. It's being creative." - Steve pre.

Bent over, tying my laces, I felt my pre race jitters in full force. A morning unlike any other. We kept each other distracted from the immense task ahead, yet completely focused on our goal. It was also our first glance at the field. And competition was stiff. Our months of preparation all boiled down to this, and we all knew it. The heat was on.

"Only think of two things - the report of the pistol and the tape. When you hear one, run like hell until you break the other."
-Sam Mussabini

Before I knew it, i found myself heading to the start line. Road. Shoes. Competitors. Teammates.
I wasn't ready. Yet I had to be. We gathered at the front and exchanged nervous smiles, assuring one another that everything'd be alright yet failing to convince ourselves. The simplicity of running never seemed so distant, as a million 'what-ifs' plagued the mind. I realized then, that my place was not in the thousands of competitors but in the group of 20 or so. The team that represents OCS. A comforting thought. I braced for impact, looking out for my fellow runners.

Running is real and relatively simple…but it ain't easy.--Mark Will-Weber

Pushes. Shoves. And a few fallen comrades. It began, and all hell broke loose. We started way too fast, and at the third kilometre I was pretty much out of it. I had lost my race.

Once you're beat mentally, you might as well not even go to the starting line.--Todd Williams

People. Running past me. I was alone. It was a disaster taking place in slow motion. One painful step after the other. I wasn't getting anywhere. I just didn't know how to stop. To face the greater shame of quitting. I dragged myself on for the next 18 or so km. It wasn't easy, nor was it fun. People whom I had normally surpassed during training were overtaking me with ease. I let the team down, I let myself down. My ego hurt more than my lungs.

'But he finally got it through my head that the real purpose of running isn't to win a race. It's to test to the limits of the human heart.' - Bill bowerman on steve pre

Complaints. Excuses. And a whole lot of hurt. It ended on a low. The months of training. Of friendship. It ended with loss. From which we learnt so much. So much more than success could have brought. We have mourned and moved on, but we have not forgotten. I have tried and failed, but I shall try again.

"Human beings are made up of flesh and blood, and a miracle fiber called courage"
-George Patton
In memory of CPT HO, a friend, a commander, a runner.

10:21

2007-11-11T17:46:00.000+08:00

I'll get back at you eddie. but for now, congratulations

Eddie Yap, 1st, U-20. 09.21.
cheers mate.

cpt azmi told me yest he wished he had my lungs and heart. (after doing his ippt i presume). it got me thinking. i wouldn't request a kenyan's legs, lungs or heart. I'd request prefontaine's guts. (not to be confused with the colloquial term that refers to a portion of the human anatomy ). that's what matters at the end of the day isn't it? not how far you can go but how far you went. people don't differ that much in terms of potential i believe. i'm highly averse to the notion of talent. its an excuse. and for the gifted, its a cheap attempt at modesty.
i've tried and failed.
but thats hardly enough to stop me.
i'm getting my bike year end and i'm going to train.
i've got my goals.

when the world goes against you, you leave for the moon, train till you're strong enough, then come back and kick everyones' ass.

punctuation seems a bit redundant when basic grammar is neglected

just as birth is more than just about getting a life, running a race is more than just about reaching the end point.

i've yet to find my unifying principle. till now i'll do it for myself, for the people around me.
till that higher purpose presents itself.
till i find it.

off to brunei soon, but first a week of hell. 2 weeks rather.

bring it.

itsbeenawhile

2007-10-05T19:34:00.000+08:00

not long enough.

too much has happened. its hard to portray what the past few months of my life looked like.

in a film, it wouldn't make it to the cinemas. explicitly mundane, with bursts of bizarre. and utter underlying misery.

i'm not your typical emo case (ironic how denial kinda serves as a confirmation).

its just depressing knowing that whatever i go through, i may not change.

Lets begin with the dreaded three letters. the three letters that serve to distinguish, while at the same time segregate.

those three letters that carry with them so much responsibility. privilege. burden.

those that have inevitably caused distress, a la stone-thrown-into-calm-and-serene-pond within the wing, within the school.

A. H. M. ladies and gentlemen.

lets not get carried away, they are after all just letters. put together, they may or may not carry a greater amount of significance, depending on whether the reader is aware of its use as an acronym. Equipped with the knowledge still, it merely resembles an event, and events mean nothing unless emotions and memories come attached. hence, these three letters are only approachable to a select few. allow me then to begin, my words written for the eyes of few, for if you are lost by now the following will mean nothing.

Rest in peace CPT HO. you will be remembered. a friend first, commander second. you earned my respect, you sure as hell deserve it. you ran beside me and i was scared as heck. not out of fear, but out of pressure to perform. up to your expectations. I never wanted to disappoint you. yet when it came to the crunch, i did. in spectacular fashion. and expecting a scolding i was met with your absence. prolonged absence. its unreal.

the run was a disaster in slow motion.
the first 1k clocked 3'50.
by the third, i was more or less out of breath and my shins were sending familiar signals to my brain. O the illusion.
by the 10th i was completely out of it. stitches (how weak am I, really?), fatigue, lactic, mental weakness. I was being overtaken and I hated it. but it was happening. The world was leaving me behind. I was full of hate. even when someone came alongside and gave a damn about my meaningless existence, I took little notice. I could not keep in cadence with anyone. could not run alongside a friend even. Perhaps it was mental. perhaps i had already given up. It was my own race that i screwed up and it was my own race that i had to finish. not compete. finish. I was a disappointment after the first one k. Sometimes you know its over but you still go through it anyway. your mind betrays. you tell yourself it'll be alright at the end.

but you know it won't.
it could be worse, sure.
but it could've been a whole 'lot better.
and if this is my brand of pessimism so be it.
i was full of hate.
i hated my shoes that caused my blisters.
that left my shins in the lurch.
i hated the socks that never served their purpose.
i hated the uncomfortable running attire.
i hated the route that we didn't explore thoroughly.
i hated the lack of having done the full distance. i needed more training.
i hated the team that left me behind.
i hated myself for letting the team down.

it was a run i didn't enjoy.
it was a testament to the fact that i was never born to run.

no.

it was a wake up call. i had wasted the first 18 years of my life.
everytime i'm out of breath i feel human.
everytime my abs hurt and i start to slouch when its barely midway through the run i feel human.
everytime my opponent's strides seem to get larger and larger as mine shrink i feel only too human.
and everytime i lose out at the finish.
i hate that feeling.
growing stronger isn't about physique or mentality.

its about abandonment and seclusion.
sustenance and confinement.
discipline.
ruthlessness.
cunning.

and a taste for pain.

I loved the team.
it was pretty much my only reason to stay in infantry.
i do not regret.
i have met many great people. people whom I will never regret getting to know.
people whom i will aspire to be. to beat.

hell isn't a destination, its a route.
to solace.

heavylegs

2007-08-09T21:21:00.000+08:00

fatigued and sick
the past few days took their toll.

probably the longest ever weekend. everyone's going to brunei on sat night save the ahm few.
Ahm.
the special ones.
the seperate ones.
apart. not a part.
like i care.
it was an informed choice.
don't confuse my musings with regret.

i'll recover, i'll get stronger.
26th.
commandos, sof, what not.
i know my opponent. the road, the clock.
the excuses.

so its back to life this 'weekend', this break?
segmenting your life, living for every bookout.
makes things hard when you question what you constantly yearn for.
laughter that aims at noise.
smiles that don't reach the eyes.
what'd you do then?

i've got a few days to figure it out.
i still appreciate the modern conveniences, oh very much so.
the allowance to sleep as and when i want.
its not freedom i crave.
its sloth.
i'll change.

26th.
give me my reason.

queen

2007-07-29T00:47:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wish you were dead and gone so i could miss you without an excuse.
sometimes i wish i'd stop saying stupid things like that.

longweeks.lostpeculiarities.

2007-07-07T21:08:00.000+08:00

on the very first day i didn't even get to shower on the side of the bathroom that i always showered at when the old platoon 1 was intact.
a sign of things to come.
change.
flux.
disruption, and not the nice kind.
I'm not one to buy into the 'greener grass' mentality but damn, this is one time its hard not to make an exception.

i'm missing those who're gone.
and missing those who've stayed but changed.
it'll never be the same.
i'm sad.

at least my new buddy's good. AHMAD. for the first time i'm not merely aiming to coexist. nor is the bunk a room anymore. I return now for 2 reasons.
i just hope he continues with AHM too.
just when you think you've suffered enough, and the roller coaster slows to a halt..
the ground opens up and it starts all over again. chaos.

flux.

i should be happy about change.
but this time its not bout risk.
its not bout hoping for something better.
cus how can you better

what was already perfect?

so this is the meaning of friendship.
its not bout the cliche'd 'sticking through thick and thin' crap.
its about fulfilling each others' needs.
motivation.
attention.
companionship.

its not about sharing.
its not about not being selfish.

its about the inside jokes that never lost their appeal.
and when they did, we thought up of more.
and the weird ways we chose to entertain ourselves.
and how we'd just start a conversation midway, expecting each other to catch on.
and how we never failed to do so.

its lost.

I'll never stop searching.

11

2007-07-01T17:37:00.000+08:00

the holy double ones.
damn it.
milk run today, came in 11th
prizes for top 10.
talk bout bittersweet.
at least i'll get my timing. maybe.

it started out like crap.
so high hopes, my friend promised to come, along with, well, someone.
and that turned out bad.
it started on an anticlimax.
as are everpresent with high hopes.
so 11th.
thats how i'll begin pro term.

I'm ready to fight.

dejavu

2007-06-30T03:23:00.000+08:00

cruel, cruel deja vu.
its happening again. this time without warning, with so much more at stake.
and its not funny anymore.

in jc it was the first three months that meant everything.
i had a wonderful class, was full of potential and had everything i wanted. and so much more.
and then what happened?

I spent the damn 1 year and 8 months regretting the first 3 months. regretting that i didn't appreciate it enough. that i didn't do my utmost to preserve the memories. the hopes. the illusions.

and now,
3 months into ocs.
everyone's leaving. Just as we were getting along. just as we CHOSE to spend our free time together. sitting in the hallway and talking about absolutely nothing. Nothing that meant EVERYTHING to me. because it kept me laughing. it kept me alive. the familiar faces, the bunk I always returned to. The wall I faced, with all the posters and newspaper clippings i put up for the sake of putting up, but which i inevitably came to miss. so much. The screwed up architecture of the place which later became a home, with each individual registered his own district in my mind. everything fit. EVERYTHING WORKED.
and for once, for once. NS was good.
i was living.
and now what? its all going away?
why?
and is that all i have to contend with?
no.
the prospect of AHM being cancelled still lingers.
so what the heck have we been training for?
I don't mind if training still goes on, but what're the odds of that?!
With all the damn rigidities in place, apparently fun isn't allowed.
Morale boosting isn't motive enough.
Giving people a reason to live is of lesser priority.
I digress.
I hate how history still lingers in the present.
I'm scared. only too scared. and whats worse is that this fear is all too familiar.
I need something.
a distraction.
i need NS to be a distraction.
I need a main event in my life.

Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same.
well,

Everybody's leaving, and I don't feel like staying

forfear

2007-06-23T11:42:00.000+08:00

of dying we live.
of hating we love.
of losing we concede.
of missing we distance.
of knowing we ignore.
of caring we neglect.
of changing we stagnate.
of straggling we sprint.
of tiring we conserve.

of getting overtaken we run.

of living we die.

Yesterday was social night. My emceeing portion wasn't as embarassing as I thought it was, thanks to Lloyd and SamJo and Hazmi and Yam and Peh.
Thought it would've been a bore. And the most part of it wasn't all that fun. thank goodness i chose wisely.
The after was amazing. I'm gonna remember this for months to come. Nigel, Chee Siong, Hazmi, Yam, Huan Ting (+date), Dingo, Lloyd, Justin (+date) - mostly MIA tho, and Liyan who was ever so sporty. yea, it was good stuff. It seems with the benefit of hindsight, NS is beautiful. My friends'll keep me alive.
went to watch a movie after, goal 2 but had to leave halfway. tho not one good at goodbyes, I'd say it went perfect. and that makes it even worse, no?
I don't know.
But back to the point, AHM in about 3 HOURS!
got home at 4.30, slept, and woke at 6.50. it was crazy. i woke up and switched off my alarm automatically. i wasn't even thinking, not even in control of myself. i think its pretty cool. its like during field camp when my instructors woke me up but i just smiled at them and went back to sleep. Fatigue's a mysterious thing.

anyhow, it got done. everyone was slacking today so it was pretty easy. did 59 for goodness knows what the distance is. 13, 14 maybe?

I'll miss tomorrow. I'll miss you.
cus thats just me.
for fear of losing you, I won't try to keep you.

carpediem

2007-06-10T17:39:00.000+08:00

its been ages since i last blogged. once again, not a case of having nothing to pen down. rather, its the opposite. prioritising's a pain.
but when things really stand out, when you're so clear of what's wrong, if only for that moment, then you've got something to work with.

for the first time in OCS i've fallen ill. and i don't like it. came back yesterday after fatigue duty for the seniors' commissioning parade. spent 5 hours in a room with foxtrot cadets sleeping. or trying to sleep rather. it was not fun. would've been more sociable had i not been feeling like crap. my bad. spent the most part of today sleeping. or trying to sleep rather. and it was not fun.
I hope i'll feel better once i book in (weird as it may sound).

I hate how everyone's leaving. I'll really miss you guys.
I've always spent more time longing than appreciating.
memories are no longer feared, for they now bring nostalgia. its only when I view them with the present in mind, when I'm depending on them for hindsight, that things become difficult.

I don't necessarily need to find someone.
just something.
that same thing that allowed me to wake up happy for a brief period of my life.
that gives meaning to even the most menial of tasks.
that gives me that edge over the guy in front of me.
that gives me life. and lets me live.
that takes my mind off the future, cus the present's too good to ignore.

my superficial nature dictates that it comes in a physical form.
but not everything has receipts.
and not everything lasts.
not everything starts on its own.
and i'm losing out.

i can't take myopic living anymore.
see only what you want to see?
i'd rather be blind.

itsnotpayitscompensation.

2007-05-14T16:58:00.000+08:00

so i'll be going back soon.
so what.

alotta crappy things've been happening recently. previous interview went bad real fast. and why? because i was rejected by other organisations? what the heck? isn't that tantamount to saying that you're an organisation that relies on others' evaluations of potential scholars? that you distrust your own HR dept? I don't know.. i thought that was a pretty weak argument. if only i'd spoken up for myself.
won't make that mistake again.
I'm eager for a scholarship, not desperate.

stb FIRST round was tod. it was quite fun. or at least i had fun. well, thats how i analyse my interviews anyway. getting pretty jaded. hopeful for now.

back to my 'life' soon. don't really mind for now. just hate how i keep facing my disappointments. people who have their futures made as my peers. but then again, they have their futures set. i'll look on the bright side o that for now.

ego's in the gutters, and its about time I ring it out and leave it to dry. its about time I get myself back.
and live.

its funny how much guys miss girls in NS. i'm not talking bout relationships and all that - its just that girls add a different dynamic to social situations. maybe thats why sierra's so special. girls make things a whole lot more complicated. and while simplicity's very much appreciated for awhile, boredom inevitably sets in.

but yea. i've got other things on my mind for now.
even nothing's something.

forbiddenirony

2007-05-01T19:12:00.000+08:00

we're 'fighting' to protect the people from whom we're kept away.
we're preparing to defend an ideal that's we're being deprived of.
we're forced to keep our morale high.

i'm getting sick and tired of this.

honesttrickery

2007-04-30T23:28:00.000+08:00

when your morale hits rock bottom, you don't give a crap bout physical pain.
you just need that reason to live. to go on, to make it through to another day that may possibly be worse.
and i didn't manage to.
when it came to the crunch, i realised survival wasn't of any concern to me. i was more worried about principles. I'd rather be free and dead. getting lost whilst bashing in the middle of the night is not fun. getting lied to for the sake of morale destruction is not fun. getting respect based on your ability to break through bureaucracy is not fun.

life is fun.

i went to nj today. i love it.
and yes, being myself i just took everything for granted. didn't kiss the floor, the blessed grandstand.

i love places, not faces.
ran to macritchie with thomas tod. really have fun running with him. tho was tired. lactic came really suddenly. don't know why. gotta work on it. but yea, i'll miss the place forever. more so when i'm there.

i love traces and not paces.
its really getting hard to keep up with life. and i'm wondering if its even worth it anymore. beefing up my current affairs knowledge as interviews near, and trying to revive my non-existent social life during the brief breaks. i need something. i need pokemon diamond.

I'm not asking for my time back. I'm asking for my life. any life.
at the risk of sounding like someone in his mid-life crisis, i wanna go back. to a simpler time that was no simpler when it was being lived through. Hindsight paints things in technicolour. accuracy is of no concern. aim to make your here and now horrible if you wish to appreciate your future. i think thats bull.

it seems everything's becoming a luxury in NS. time, mental and physical well-being, life.
perhaps the soldier component cannot coexist with the civilian in all of us. the breaking down begins. reconstruction? bah, lets not waste time yea.

don't toy with my morale. this is not a warning, its not a plea, its not a threat.
its a will.

i have to pen this down lest i forget everything, though i don't think i'll have the pleasure of that happening.
on the first day of field camp, i spent the whole day thinking bout my j2 life. highlights, low moments. and mosta em revolved around a precious few people. people who never made me laugh that hard. never stuck with me. never stayed by my side through troubled times. what then was the attraction? i don't believe i'm capable of being that superficial.
I'm attaching your face to my ideal. i'll never believe it, but i lie to myself better that i think.

whats scary is that i can't find a way out. when you go for a 7 day field camp with prospectively no book out in sight, thats sad. when that happens, and you realise what little you have to look forward to EVEN IF THERE WAS A DAMN chance to return to the everything that you so conveniently choose not to see, whats the point in living?

Eating the holes outta swiss cheese, going hungry.

how can you save your country if you can't even save yourself?

empty.

2007-03-25T22:47:00.000+08:00

i think everytime i see you, i'm one step closer to death.
scariest thing - now things aren't tense. its just.. boring. like an aged couple whose constituents merely coexist. they don't live together.

a house and a home.
a friend once pointed out the difference between the two.
a chair is a chair if noone sits there, but a house isn't a home if noone lives there. or something like that. and i'm beginning to understand her.
then again, a home was never a necessity.
for the weak, maybe.
whats family, after all, but an economical relationship?
why mess things up by adding emotions into the equation?
children are investments, parents are investors.
fulfill your roles, grow old, die.
simple people.

i'm in a pretty awful place now, and i don't see an exit anywhere.
i'll just keep myself busy and hope it'll pass.
it won't.
so i'll just keep myself busy period.

really felt like there was no point at all when i woke up today.
like nakata in kafka on the shore.
and thing is, i've got no excuse.
no accident that took away my ability to comprehend to fall back on.

i blame alot of people for where I am now, further testimony to my flawed character.
soulless self.

i've gotta go pack.
wish life were that simple.
pack what emotions you want and leave.

i'm going to miss alotta things. alotta people.
i'm going to pretend that they'd feel the same about me.
i'll hold on to my fairy tales.
all i have left.

ns, beautiful ns.
take me away.

moods.

2007-03-24T00:00:00.000+08:00

i'd like one now.

should be doing more to save myself. but i'm not.
for fear?
for fear of losing what i don't have?

possesion is illusion.
sometimes, we have no choice but to choose.

i choose not to.

posted.

2007-03-23T18:05:00.000+08:00

thats 2 interviews that didn't go too well today.
argh.

1 out of 3 aint all thaat bad.
the day started out well, and i'll do everything i can to make it end on a high too.
i'll promise myself that at least.
nothing more.

hmm, my damn 'b' button isn't working well so i'll try and stay away from words that require that letter to be spelt. what an awfully long winded way to say something..
losing alot of faith in myself.

have a headache now. i think i get carsick real easy.
hate wearing shirts. hate it so so much.
reminds me of horrible *damn moments.
hate getting stumped.
argh.
find solace in the mundane when main events lose appeal. when they disappoint.

at least I have NS to look forward to. where rest is so much sweeter. where at least you're allowed to feel deprived. and not empty.
you long for things you don't have, least that delusion keeps you alive.
you assure yourself that things are the same, and you return to affirmation. or at least you don't stay long enough to be disappointed.

i'm losing faith in the real.
main events in my life.
i'll enjoy the ride.
the scenery.
and try to get lost every once in awhile.
the destination's bound to disappoint.

your metaphors are beautiful.
thank you, at least for that.

объективный

2007-03-21T23:46:00.000+08:00

yep, its time to be a lil objective.
no longer can one drift aimlessly along, tho that was never my style.
always had to have a reason. something to live for. the next immediate.
and as much as i'd like to think of myself as a carefree soul, that just isn't the case.

i do try to see the humor in things, in everything in fact. and more often than not, i succeed. but i can't live on that. i find escape in books, but then again the inertia i face in attempting to leave reality is immense. its as if i know better.

or perhaps its nothing at all.

its funny how when a language becomes a subject, it loses all objectivity whatsoever. for it is no longer functional as a means of communicating information. worth pondering about.

anyhow, gotta keep my feet on the ground. getting lost in argument'd do you no good when you realise how little you've accomplished.
am going back to NJ tomm.
think i've pissed you off, but ah well. i'm tired. and be pissed if you want. advice - next time don't get mad. get revenge.
its not as if i don't care bout you, honestly. if i didn't then why would i ave been annoyed when I heard from you? so yea. there probably was something sometime back, something temporary and entirely superficial. and i believe things worked out for the best. even if it wasn't for the best as individuals, it was for the best for the both of us. we all make sacrifices.
i love how things don't work out.
i'm a living breathing example.
an epitome if you will.
(just thought of a pun, but will keep it to myself)

and yea, not in the mood for blogging.
this is one crappy post.

aller se faire voir chez les grecs

2007-03-18T19:26:00.000+08:00

the tongues you speak bode well, not with the visions i seek,
but with the illusions i peek.

life goes on i guess. real or not.
i'm anticipating the worst, but i know its never enough. so much conviction can't be suppressed that easily. so much desperate need for approval, acknowledgement. insecurity and hatred.
how then can I live?
a fool amongst fools, thinking too highly of himself.
its a hard life, and how one gets here eludes even the most neurotic
retrospect apparently provides one little advantage.
change seems impossible, perhaps adapting would seem a more viable option.
though it is no way out.
i can't talk to you anymore.
to anyone.
it just gets worse from here. probably.
and i have to accept that this is who I am.

always so sure of what i want, yet not of what i have.
ready to accept, not to change.
unwilling to concede, raring to fight.
appreciates the abstract, discarding the concrete.
looking to the sky, looking down on the ground.
longing for what is lost, neglecting what has been found.
thinking, but never bothering.
hating, never loving.
missing, never finding.
taking, never returning.
stalking, never following.
grasping, never holding.
straying, never leaving.
questioning, never asking.

saving, never treasuring.

ah well, if theres one thing i've learnt after all this while,
never say never.

foolish.

2007-03-17T09:41:00.000+08:00

i awoke yesterday with a startling realization.
i don't even know your surname.
your birthday,
your favourite color, music, time of day
your taste in food, clothes,
your most cherished hangouts (save one),
your reason to live,
your turnoffs,
your chemistry.

I was just too focused on finding out what you could do for me.
my bad.
'least you're getting your revenge

i'd say i hate you, but thats not really true.
i'd say i love you, but i can't make such unfounded claims.
i guess i never really was all that close to you.
and although friendships count for crap, i'd say as a friend i know alot more about you.
tho i can't really give a damn.

gotta rethink my take on relationships, on girls, on myself.

i'm pretty screwed up. realization's the first step.

doseofreality

2007-03-16T01:06:00.000+08:00

perhaps it is with the benefit of hindsight that things appear different.
for only in retrospect do colours of old shine brighter, as biases and tints disappear.

you never listened did you?
when i told you i wanted you, you didn't allow yourself to comprehend the words that followed.
twas your absence that i was craving.
i wanted you out of my life for good. and you couldn't give me that.
perhaps taken as an ego-booster, you left feeling good about yourself.

when i told you i was having problems, you didn't really bother much about what I had to say. you took it as a testament to my pessimism. something you were so sure about. i never appreciated life. i never appreciated what i had.
had you given me the chance, i'd have told you how you made all those problems seem so insignificant. ironically, your actions have led me to such a state, where you outshadow them all - topping the list.

when it was clear that i had no part to play in your life, I refused to accept such a fate. an unfair state, where you were centre stage of mine. mistaking foolishness for perseverance, I continued unrelenting. Even when it degraded to a self-damaging state, i kept telling myself lies. thats what you do in a race no? my deluded perception of discipline led me down that miserable path, laden with injuries and rejection at every turn.
lesson learnt. be smart.

but honestly, i've alot to learn still. and sometimes, i believe its better to start anew, to forget what you've spent your life trying to attain.

2nd place is closest to victory,
yet furthest from it as well.

i want to see you happy, and i want you to see how disappointed i am that i couldn't be a part of it.
i want to see if you care, and if you do, i want you to feel bad, to feel stupid, and to feel sad.
a natural mechanism that should work, not based on my influences, but on rational behavior.

i want you to give a damn.
for then there is hope.

and as long as the clock's still ticking,
the race is on.

notthere

2007-03-15T07:44:00.000+08:00

whatever.

good times, bad times. its all been done.
dwarf down, mammoth to go.

been feeling quite crappy ever since yest, aft the run. maybe it was cus i wasn't feeling well - run may have aggravated it but i doubt so. its my fault really. was nice going back, and meeting the people. hope thomas doesn't kill himself, but something tells me he knows what he's doing, so i'll let him be. its sad seeing how the team's not really alive anymore. as individuals, there're okay, but how the heck do you have team spirit when your core is a measly 3?
so yea, don't blame them. hope you fight for your personal goals. get glory.

its an emptiness i feel. even when things're going good, it makes itself ever so prominent. a problem weirdly excaberated by friendly circumstance. at a loss of what to do, putting faith, albeit temporarily, in ignorance. distrusting and unkind, the attitude to adopt for such a solution.
its a safeguard rather than a cure, which really sucks. no longer can one hope to remain an opportunist. for closed are all doors.
i'll try not to care.

300

2007-03-11T00:29:00.000+08:00

give me my sword, my shield, anyday.
take my past, my childhood.
thrust me into the wilderness, watch me return.
I'll fight, not for you, but by your side.
don't confuse allegiance with alignment of incentives.
for they are not the same,
not in the midst of chaos.
not when words hold no water.

300 was a really nice show. didn't think the nudity was all that necessary though. perhaps an aquired taste I have yet to attain.
nevertheless.

I'm beginning to rethink my opinion on movies as a whole. the very concept.
perhaps its not about the company, rather the lack of it.
the lack of specific company.
then again, there're those who watch movies for the movie itself. a phenomenon I will probably never be able to comprehend.
appreciate maybe. but never understand.
nor would I ever want to.

and so it goes, life moves on. mercilessly. tugging stragglers by the legs, crippling the already injured, deepening their wounds. the weak destined for the slaughterhouses, as the strong (or so they think) persevere, only to find vultures circling overhead. no, natural selection is very much alive. and kicking. and so it goes.
starving the hungry, depriving the sick of rest, of shelter, exposing diseased corpses to the wind. catalysing cursed contagion. it spreads. and even innocence counts for nothing. luck takes centre stage, though luck is not as abstract as one might think, for its groundings are all real. things we can touch and feel. a combination of timing and presence of mind. perhaps on a subconscious level. you're rewarded not for your skills, but for what is seen. and what is not.
and so it goes. relegated to last, egos deflated, morale is low. though the heart has sunk, there is yet a long distance to the bottom. and yet, the soul is dead. the journey has just begun.

thats one way of looking at things

time, passing, and as it goes, pulling everyone along. leaving no man behind. giving everyone a chance, colourblind, embracing meritocracy. and as the front pack eventually breaks away, ever so often a helping hand reaches out. bridging the gap.
and so it goes.

seemingly stressful, perhaps one is put at ease by the distractions. the colorful noise everpresent to take the mind away from more pressing matters. void no more, life is now rich with hustle and bustle. and so it goes.

time doesn't need to pass by, for it flies. and the mind is caught up so in the here and now, that the past and future need no bearing, for navigation is of little use. flying blind, breaking barriers of all forms.

yea well.
you choose huh.

i can't really think straight.
for i know every mindless parade rehersal session, every annoyingly long training session spent crawling around in the jungles, every time i find myself questioning life, my thought processes come to a crash at the image of you. sweet relief.
but even I know, that its a drug i can't really depend on for long.
2 options.
and I should be happy shouldn't I? what with the luxury of choice.
perhaps indecision's my forte.
thats why I love economics so far.
we don't make decisions. we just tell you how crappy the world is, and the imminent doom ahead of us. and we'll figure out how to make rations last.

i'll figure out how i'll last. with or without you.

still.

2007-03-10T19:45:00.000+08:00

and when i had finally begun to doubt.
to lose faith in faith
as my knees began to buckle and i was finally falling
sweet collapse ever so near
it all came back.
strong as ever.
in full force, without mercy.
without contemplating, without warning, self destruction at its best.

i'm still crazy bout you.
'least i'm certain bout the first part.

b4.

2007-03-03T16:29:00.000+08:00

b4 i was happy, now i'm not.
haven't really gotten over it.
realise the repercussions.
if gp's taken as a measure of one's literacy, then I may as well migrate to sri lanka.
damn, did better for tamil than for gp.
pretty damned screwed up.
have to be thankful for the rest.. but argh, such a mood dampener.
anti climax.
what seemed my forte became my achilles heel.
perhaps i should blog in tamil from now on.

bleargh.

cow.

2007-03-02T04:35:00.000+08:00

thats how early it is.
cow freakin early.
and i'm awake. what happened to my burning desire to sleep my weekend away as i marched and marched and marched needlessly, stomping my feet, aggravating my crumbling shins, destroying my elbows, contributing to the already tense atmosphere?
i guess it just didn't last.
just as my appreciation for such freedom that allows one to awake at will and blog ( although i won't be able to post this immediately since blogger has LOCKED MY BLOG. ) has probably somewhat declined over the course of the past few hours. It seems ever since foot makes contact with ferry floor, attitudes change. Smiles on faces, albeit momentarily - till drones turn to semi-functional, self-operational machines, awakened to the prospect that they have to return. and from there, emotions no longer apply to the whole, for divergence occurs.

they say in tekong, its not bout what you leave behind, but what you're getting or some crap like that.
what if you're not leaving anything behind?
then again, what if you're leaving behind SO MUCH, that you'd rather forget it all, thrust yourself into a world of ignorance and hate, and just sulk?

but something got me up at 4 today,
and i believe its more than just my throat.
i'm not too happy bout that.

results today

dreams

2007-02-25T23:37:00.000+08:00

and i want it NOW.

i'ma earn it.

on my own.

damn cockroach just flew into my room.

1-1 at half time, but can't really concentrate.

so much to think bout

results, studies, future, life, how you're so completely apathetic.

least when it comes to me.

past me would be wallowing in self pity.

present me's too busy analysing

i guess there's something to this yet.

and i'm not going to relent until i've fully understood this situation.

beyond reasonable doubt.

its not bout achieving closure. knowledge is what i seek.

further understanding of myself, of others with respect to myself.

upgrading and progress. its an awfully mechanical process, that we love to trivialise with mundane emotions.

learn and change. learn and change.

don't confuse means with end.

get away from my car.
yes thats right people.
i'm dreaming, but thats just the first step to realisation.
Ima get my 3conv. and noone's gonna stop me.
I'm gonna be someone.
and if you wanna go bout your way, i'm fine.

I'll live my life and you yours.
I'll have a wife who'll do chores.
our strife behind closed doors.

thats the way it'll be right.
thats the only way i've known it.
materials are everything. how bloody true.

skin deep is all.
i'm not missing you.
i'm acknowledging your absence, whilst realising the presence of this void. mind has made the mistake of linking the 2 clearly random events.
a causal relationship that should not exist.
my bad.
but its easier no?
I'll keep it that way for now.

till i get my damn 3.

fatigue

2007-02-24T16:55:00.000+08:00

you don't run with your feet.
you run with your heart.
and that brings me forward. my next stride completed. and once again, the thought processes come to a crash at the same wall.
problem is, knowledge of the existence of scarcity plagues the mind. of inevitable doom. end.
then again, belief is often confused with fact.

watched letters from iwo jima today. its an awfully sad show, and i believe a new perspective of NS should be adopted, by those - like myself - who aren't exactly desperate to function like mindless drones. take it as an opportunity to earn bragging rights. you reap only what you sow. so just do it, put everything you've got in it and see what happens. survive the route marches. and if that isn't the challenge, get your friends' spirits up. take the punishments in your stride, and reasonable or not, attempt them at the very least. stop playing mind games with yourself, and just live for the moment. get through each circumstance step by step, but not without keeping the end in mind.

its a test.
look past all the regimentalist methods of operation, the crude tongues, the lack of personal hygiene.
find the bonds forged, the opportunities to learn more about yourself, the unforgettable moments, be they good or bad. the times, that seem so different when viewed from a 3rd person's perspective.

thats what NS is about. you take home what you want. stop missing the broader picture.
stop awaiting tomorrow, and work towards making today a memory - worthy yesterday.
and you'll never appreciate the present as much as the past.

sometimes, all you can do is to look back and smile.

revisited.

2007-02-19T19:10:00.000+08:00

restrained and run down, representative of the rustiest of rings. raring for room, and not responsibilities. relegated to rest, retries at rejecting resentment result in encouraging realisation, that revelling earns no respect. for reasons are rare. restricted to rain, revolutions of recklessness reinstate a rapport with rebellion. Reminders to reconsider rejected. run, regardless of race.

indefinite

2007-02-19T18:22:00.000+08:00

when loneliness keeps you company, and emptiness fills up your time,
you know something's wrong.

still recovering, am getting there. hope will be in shape for mac tomm.
yea, should try.
can't slack no more.
and then its sit test next week. last outfield activity. good/bad, its hard to say. am just willing to get it over and done with.
but what then?
am i looking forward to the weekend?
i can delude myself and provide an answer no different from everyone else's. but its not all that true. what do i have to come back to? perhaps the modern conveniences. what do i have to come back for? rest?
but the burden that accompanies daily life takes that away from me. the need for distraction denies me pure rest.
i just hope the 12km route march will be okay. am sorta looking forward to it. just hope my back is ok.

words really don't mean anything anymore.
i'm beginning to give up hope
beginning to confront this void armed with an arsenal of blanks
(and thunderflashes)
yes, ladies and gentlemen, i'm waging a war against myself.
and i expect an unwelcome outcome.
perhaps reconsiderations are in order.

but then again..

words are meaningless.

bigwords

2007-02-17T18:11:00.000+08:00

hmm. contender for one of the worst movies in the world.
pretty ironic. how i lost the tickets and tried so hard to get in. perhaps its just bout not appreciating your prize. or maybe its a realisation. that anticlimaxes are everpresent in life. and that the fun is in the challenge. in the here and now, and not in the later.
logically, when we yearn for something, we also dread every passing minute that brings us closer to its inevitable end.
same applies to other facets of life. i guess.

too much thinking isn't good, but you've occupied my thoughts everytime. from in that hard-dug trench to when stars were my only companions. and you've kept me company. its a lil more merciful now, knowing that disappointment will be of no issue. having nothing means having nothing to lose.
and having everything to try for.

and so it'll be back to my 'brutish' life in a few days time. but then again, with all the awkward moments so everpresent in daily life, perhaps the term brutish needs a lil redefining.
class reunion today was fun i guess. everyone seems a lil jaded. or maybe its just me.
lotsa things coming up. pretty stressful period. 'least its supposed to be.

father changed his car. and honestly, i'm trying my best to take it as a test of resillience and mental strength.
have no idea what was going through his mind.
perhaps he's a man of pragmatism? but isn't social standing and ego inflation a pragmatic need?
how the heck are you supposed to feel accomplished when you're 10cm off the ground in a bright red piece of 3rd grade aluminium constructed in our backyard?
incentive to contribute to the economy. to utilise public transport. to fight for my scholarship, get my car, and get places.
i seriously doubt it was just a one-off random action
credit where its due. my speculative nature must be hereditary.
like father.

trying not to burden myself with such trivial thoughts right now. tho attempting to look at the bigger picture isn't always the smartest thing to do.
you'll get lost, and the here and now'll lose all meaning.
so hmm.
really enjoyed the soccer today, tho i have to seriously rethink my attitude. sometimes winning isn't everything. sometimes winning isn't everything. sometimes winning isn't everything.

NS. and thats my life now. 'least it keeps me company. and when i'm in need, you'll be there. if only in my thoughts, perhaps that'll be enough for now.

that doesn't mean i'm content.

prettyeyes

2007-02-04T00:24:00.000+08:00

yea, but so what.
Mine honour is my life; both grow in one; take honour from me, and my life is done.
William Shakespeare
nice stuff.
i just got a letter saying i was rec to the MHA. don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. ain't gonna bother for now. let things flow.

mental prep in order. another confinement coming up. con fine men +.
hmm.

but yea. i can't wait. thanks. tho i'd have preferred something more concrete to be running towards.
really hate my commanders for their mockery at times. don't know if they're trying to be funny or what. they can be really nice at times, but damn, i didnt ask to be sick. screw it. i'm gonna shut them up this fri. IPPT diagnostic. Eat my damn dust.
tho realistically, i can't train - stress frac. so i guess will have to do my best. gym and stuff
plus, i gotta keep un-sick.
yea, can-do.
thank goodness my bunkmates are good.
hope they'll be un-sick too.
its a one die all die kinda climate.
hmm..
hope the training was useful.
hope tomm'll be useful.
hope tomm'll be fun.
hope things work out.
hope field camp'll be ok.
hope my motivation doesn't yield disappointment.
full of hope.

hope it lasts.

thatwasnotcool.

2007-01-27T23:26:00.000+08:00

so yea, it seems warwick is my only option. that is IF i get a scholarship. hoping for much. but yea.
i'm quite upset bout alotta things. not the least being how i'll probably never get closure before memories fade. and the decomposition process is a slow and arduous one.

A SECOND REASON THAT INFORMATION MAY BE SEALED OFF FROM consciousness is strategic. Evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers has noted that people have a motive to sell themselves as beneficent, rational, competent agents. The best propagandist is the one who believes his own lies, ensuring that he can't leak his deceit through nervous twitches or self-contradictions. So the brain might have been shaped to keep compromising data away from the conscious processes that govern our interaction with other people. At the same time, it keeps the data around in unconscious processes to prevent the person from getting too far out of touch with reality.

i'm going to stop psychoanalysing myself for a brief bit now. abandon all attempts at comprehending my behavior. disregard my actions, and your respective reactions. i'm not going to ponder if it was reciprocal. if whatever i gave ever came back. and i missed it. not for this short while. I'm just going to revel in nostalgia. live in those days. in my shoes that don't fit anymore.
a mile with bleeding feet, yet I still walk on. Run even. for the scenery betrays all laws of humanity. all boundaries of emotion. all logic of rationalisation. and the path leads nowhere and everywhere. numbed to the pain that slowly begins to take its toll. and weakness follows. energy required to upkeep the delusion slowly drains away, as strength is sapped. its a sad, but inevitable fate. you were never meant to be. yet i made you. in my own world. i created a you, albeit a temporary one. and that was a rash, a stupid decision. an ecstacy to last my while. i lasted longer, and i'm out of supply.

argh. i can't really keep up like this.. you honestly trouble me at nights.
'the ghosts that haunt me come not in forms that betray laws of science. they're memories.'
thats all that went through my mind as i woke. and thats what i penned down, because i didn't want to lose it. just as i never want to forget how i could actually wake up happy for a brief period. somehow that period coincided with the time i first met you. coincidence i pray, but even with my capabilities at self delusion i am unable to win myself over. its obvious you mean more to me than i know. the 'why' question is far too dangerous to answer, and the 'how' question is just pretty depressing to tackle, what with dead ends everywhere i turn, so perhaps i should start with 'what'. explaining the phenomenon that is you isn't so simple. the memories involve not you persay, but you wrt to me. I guess thats where things get screwed up yea. its easy to get over someone. its not easy to get over something. something so trivial as memories, emotions. bonds, be they subconscious or not, of varying strengths, magnitudes, varieties.

and i'm in damned NS now. I can't have you disturbing me even here. I want to live, but you're still a pre requisite. and i'm trying to change that. am i dwelling or productively recollecting? i honestly don't give a damn anymore really. thats why i run.
because i don't know what else to do. so i run. and that brings me to other problems. like how useless i am. how fragile the human anatomy is. how stupidly weak and helpless humans can be. how brittle bones are. and thats solace. because these are solvable problems. and if they're not, they're relatively less troubling than the notion that i'll forever live with a 2nd place, and you'll forever remain in the deepest recesses of my mind, and i'll desperately attempt, albeit in vain, for the rest of my life to try and be content, to try and live with what i have, to try and not think about you when ironically that means heeding advice that came from YOU, conceding defeat to YOU.
you called me pessimistic. noone has ever said that about me before, perhaps noone bothered to point out my flaws. that made me seriously reconsider alot of things. my perspectives, my outlook.
and you know what? i blame you. for everything that hasn't gone right. for my rejected applications, for my disappointments. I tried to look on the bright side, tried to fill myself with hope. tried to delude myself into thinking that that meeting may mean as much to you as it did and will ever to me. but that lead to what? amounted to what?
and all this was as per your advice.
i'd like to think my encounters with you are movie worthy. meaning i've an interesting end to await. unfortunately, seeing as how the current trend's to leave things hangin, i have to reconsider. another analogy please.

in the mean time - a brief break if you will - a note to all others, intruders, interferers. i warn you this: come into my life at your own risk. i just think, for your own sake, stay away. honestly.

and so, after so many words and painful recollections, it seems i have gotten nowhere again. but disappointment makes itself apparent nowhere. if this is not love, i don't know what is. scrap the first part of that statement.

i would like to think i'm rational. i would like to believe i'm selfish, and materialistic, like a normal person. i would like to be able to quantify emotions, and rationalise them using logic my conscious is capable of.
but apparently things are beyond my comprehension. the 95 or so percent of my brain has chosen to betray me. answers refused.
regardless of how much i starve it.
a natural fighter.
i'd like to think the same for the rest of me.
foolish.

like i said. for today i'll just remember you as i thought you were. and we as i thought we were. and the moments as I defined them.

yogi

2007-01-27T16:37:00.000+08:00

yo g
tod i was thinking bout that very phrase - yo g. and i was pondering as to its origin. I believe the common notion that G stands for gangsta, and yo, being a term whose derivation shalt not be questioned, is in itself a word is far from accurate.Actually, in ghettos long ago, yogi bear was the most popular television series, or 'cartoon' if you will. So when people said YO GI, others would naturally turn their heads, locating the individual who uttered those such words ( or word rather ), in hopes of discussing the latest episode, or perhaps revelling in shared favorite moments. hence, it naturally evolved into a form of greeting, for something so attention grabbing became an easy way to establish cameraderie and foster temporary friendships.

clearly apparent is my lack of a better thing to do.
newfound freedom plagues the brain in a manner no different to winestains on a recently purchased silk shirt.
analogies are losing all meaning.
screw lottery tickets.

OF ALL THINGS, BUS LANES!??!?

Eternity

2007-01-26T11:36:00.000+08:00

He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise.

fifteendayslater

2007-01-26T11:12:00.000+08:00

all of a month that means more than a year.
its been great. and it'll be great.
i'm optimistic.
psc interview later.
Go well.

just booked out. at 0645 - notice the NS-isms slowly seeping in, tho i promise not to indulge in NS jargon when amongst civilians ( there it goes again ).

i have to say, things are going well. bunk mates are turning out to be fun people, bonding's there.
tho its only the first 2 weeks, i'm optimistic. nights you kept me awake will still be remembered as one-off bad days, and not the norm.

got gold for ippt, that was highly moralising. with only 30% passes, and 2 golds in both plat 1 and 2, i guess that really kept my spirits up. Trying to stand out and that helped. Commanders are awfully nice people. Bunkmates are really easy to get along with. Cameraderie is amazing.
i'm not exactly dreading book in.
only uneasy factor's the constant competition. the chase for OCS places. dang, its in the air. I hope my friendships are true. I'm being honest. "least thats half the battle won.
screw scepticism. lets just be blind for once. eyes given were to see, not to stare. ears to listen and not to eavesdrop. hands to feel and not to grab. feelings to enjoy and not to scrutinise. minds to ponder and not to dwell. soul to revel and not to sink.

so lets be easy. william blake says it all ( thank you andrew )
i'll post it in the next one. damn, was trying to find it for half an hour, to no avail.
gotta go prepare..
hope all goes well.

reply

2007-01-08T18:00:00.000+08:00

rangers ready themselves, recounting rounds. resounding results revealed with remarkable ratings. relevance re-enters, ringing in raging rapture. rightfully rest be reserved yet such respite redeems its role rashly. Ratification, requiring great rent, resupplied. with risk reduced, reins are restored to reputable regulation. Rescue, so resistively resented even in remiss, restates itself as real. Redemption is requested for, readily. Rights regained, riots resume. Reverie restored as a replica to reality. soon replete, revenge returns, ruling all with respect. Regardless. Renegade retribution. Retries at reflection result only in reaffirmation. Rarity relegated to rest. rain resumes, rich and relentless. Rocky though refreshing, the road is right. though right reserves no respect. ratted out. attempts at regeneration rebound. Rudder ruined, all ranges of refusals run. Retreat.

i've thought of a million possible explanations for my feelings, and my inability to manage them especially when it comes to you. I don't expect another reply.
honestly, what i want to hear? i want to hear that you never felt anything for me. that i was deceived and lied to. that it was one way from the start, that i'm never capable of experiencing anything related to love. nothing of the sort. tis delusion that i crave. that is what i want to hear. that you were playing me, perhaps for your own entertainment. tell me you once felt for me, and i will not stop. never. for history has shown that it was possible. and i will not relent.
substitutes abound, regardless.

its all bout you. i'm playing with my hand open.

baby

2007-01-07T22:56:00.000+08:00

bruised and battered, I braved the battle, yet bringing back no benefit. Bravado barely bears blessing. Business bound by bombastic borders, belligerence begetting scarce reward. Beastly behaviour becomes norm, as benevolence backs down. Blasts of betrayal, by looks of which boundless, bend and beat the basics. Beg or brace, blame need be brought. blending into the background blocks the bleeding. brainy yet bold, the boy best be by himself. Bullocks.
Bones, buried deep beneath, believed to be baseless, become born again; the birth of which brings boon and bane. Barging in, begging for brightness yet bringing only black, issuing blame in bulk. Believed to be better than before, blindness buys in. Brutish bridges break, a blasphemous blow. Blue yet boisterous, banter becomes bland. Belying the beast brings bountiful bliss, albeit briefly. Being becomes akin to baking in a burning basin.

don't worry bout the things you can't change.
i'm trying to kill the galileo inside of me.
you sent him didn't you.

well here's good news, i'm failing miserably.
i've been rejected from cambridge. I apologise to all those whom I've disappointed. I tried.

closest to death. murphy's laws - i'm a living testimony, least for this bit.
'07 could've possibly gotten off to a better start.

but - i've gotta be more optimistic right?
sad thing is, everytime i try to change myself, if only for you - or for the prospect of perhaps changing your perception of me, I'm reminded of you, the lack of which is too hard to take.
its not bout you, its bout me, my failures and the fact that you can be happy and someone out there is able to achieve that. the fact that I did not lose out to sheer impossibility, i just lost out.

in short, I've not gotten over you, not one bit.

sad

2007-01-05T23:50:00.000+08:00

sickening situations set to sadden. surprising circumstances staged such that strange stipulations surface, catalysing a stir. Seditious sluts surround ceremoniously, as strangers, sly and suppresive, send us victims to the stake, slaves to self-created fates. Same or different, same is situationally subjective. Signs of sedition surmount statistics, slaying slowly, significantly sapping strength. Self should supersede others, yet survival is scarcely suffice. Shadows strangle, starting sinful sacrifices. Such sentinel minds supplied to us see, yet suffer similarly. Saviors seem to sink when so severely solicited. As supplies shrink, social stigmas settle in. Say's law shortlived. Swaying side to side as speech swaps with slur. Strained and stressed, solutions shun and shirk, shedding what once served so steadfastly. Screws come slack, and structural sureness succumbs to such stress. Search, yet what is seen is scarcely worth saying. Stray or stay, surely selection is simple. Survival, striking simplicity, is of no significance. Tis success that speaks, in surround sound, salvaging self. Surveyors smartly express similar sentiments.

I really don't appreciate your cunning, your methods and means of disagreeing, your disappointingly poorly created deception. Your mindless self-delusion tactics that keep you in that damned bubble which, once threatened, sparks a defense mechanism, placing you on the offensive. Return fire for all I care, know that I started nothing.
I admit, this was my decision, and my mistake. But it was a mistake worth making.
I realize my longing for you amounts to nothing more than a lack of a longing for something else. If only for my inability to seek that something else now in this such short period that i have left, I'll tell you what i'm going to do for perhaps the next few weeks. I'm going to miss you like hell. and I'm going to dream about you, and I'm going to sulk, if only because i can. And when i'm capable, I'll blame you for everything that's gone wrong, rationalising in the best, most deluded way i know how. Pessimism? HERE'S YOUR DAMNED PESSIMISM. get a dose of reality and you'll soon see things with a lil fewer rainbows. walk a mile in my shoes and see things my way. get rejected, get your damn feet broken and screw up your life, and tell me how it feels. but no, you prefer to blame. without accepting, without understanding, you prefer to advocate. to dictate or discard. you don't wish to be in control, although you wish to have control. you don't make sense, yet you have to win your arguments. apparently logic no longer is the 'in' thing. I'm wrong? well of course. i'm arguing with you aren't I. all this amounts to nothing. at the end of the day, you know i'll just come back to you, tail between feet. defeat means nothing when you mean so much more. I'll enjoy my 5 hours of sleep now thank you. and hey, here's food for thought.

ever thought that maybe the cause of all my misery, my problems, the annoyances i encounter everyday that make life a lil less worth living,
oh - and here's your favourite word,
my PESSIMISM,

was you?

think.

2007-01-05T13:21:00.000+08:00

like i said, theres no such thing as thinking too much.
if anything's worth thinking bout then you're just not doing yourself a favour by avoiding it.
and thats what you advocate, thats what you preach. without admitting, without accepting.
paradox.
you'll never admit, and when you do, you've redeemed yourself.

*sigh. came up with possible reasons for meeting someone whom you really wanna be with whilst realising, contrary to the popular adidas slogan, impossible is something.
also realised the opp cost, whilst talking to matthew. thanks for being with me on this one.

upon seeing the person, interacting with the person after so long a time, flaws begin to surface. flaws you've subconciously been polishing away in the wake of her abscence. and the realisation that she's not everything you've played her out to be, the inevitable disappointment, albeit to varying extents in different scenarios, may contribute somewhat to aiding in the 'getting-over' process. in recovery. in forgetting, but not forgiving.

however, the hole in this armor seems all too large. her physical presence that once again makes itself a recent event in the mind somehow overshadows all efforts at down-playing/level headedness. the all powerful symbol, and not just physical object, that is the person seeks to diminish any worthy effort made over the long period of absence, and strike where it hurts most. the deepest recesses of the mind and heart are once again awakened to this almighty force, and old memories that have been dead and buried resurface, only to plague and haunt. a painful, tumultuous experience, of which every minute is enjoyed beyond limit. suffering, my friends, only comes the day after. the minute absence is once again made present. for then, its no holds barred, and the battle within rages.
its a tremendous dis-investment, in that sense, to make such a decision.
i had. no regrets though. for had i not seen you, i wouldn't have been able to realise how foolish i could possibly be. i need to handle myself better. i need to stop being childish. i need to accept defeat. this is no more than a game. and you've won. instead of begging for a rematch, for a damned recount, i need to go find another competitor.
such games work best, when they're played out for such a lengthy period that death comes before victory.
i'm a loser. and have always been in such games. atleast games that have been worthy of playing.

i thought, however, that your foray into your relationship was not necessary. a blow below the belt. and i believe that's what will haunt and help. your indiscretion, your uncaring, your insincerity.
our mock-hypothetical arguments that meant the world to me were probably shooting targets for you, on hindsight. tho i did not commit, nor did i relent.

i can promise you one thing, you'll be the object of desire in my life for at least the next few days.

i will promise you no more.

discard.

2007-01-04T20:14:00.000+08:00

stupid zouk yesterday.
30 minutes notice, went clubbing, didn't enjoy myself, played cards after while eating nasi goreng pattaya, enjoyed myself, came back at 9am, showered, left for tea session, and well, that.
don't know if it was a mistake on my part.
i think you at least owed it to me to tell me you were attached a lil earlier no?
haha, awkward moment. thank goodness i had managed to circumvent it with an uncomfortable 'oh'. clearly, you understood.
honestly, i find myself facing hypocrisy. whilst i'd love to wallow in self pity and bitch bout how that guy's lucky as hell, i'm happy somewhat that you're happy.
perhaps that happiness stems from a more natural evil.
from the knowing that you weren't all that i looked up to. all that i respected.
that you were nothing more than a piece of another's puzzle, and not the centre of my universe.
that you were not all knowing, all powerful, that your arguments don't string well together, that you love to prove me wrong even though you know i'm right.
that you're biased, unobjective and extremely shaky in your standings. and that you realise that whilst still arguing ignorantly. that you're everything and nothing.

i don't know how to feel, honestly. the fact that you've become more open, or at least more open with me, clearly exhibits your willingness to discard what we had, opting for a safer, no holds barred friendship. once again, blind sided. i'll play along. because i think i need to see you down this path. till i move over the hill and you fade into oblivion. i need that loss.

a necessary evil.

and thank you for everything. believe it or not, you're still a pivotal part of my life and i'm nervous as hell around you and only you. nervous yet completely comfortable. except for those awkward moments. i love how we both know how contentious each of us sounds, yet the conversation continues with no intervention. i love how agitated you get when i intentionally disagree. you're beautiful when angry. and there's no need for vulgarities you. stop deliberately trying to actively dictate the pace of this downfall. perhaps more, it is a sign of a pathetic feminist uprising from within. but i thought you knew better?

you're still everything.

and thats what i'll miss. everything that's just beyond grasp. i think i lied to you, and that was my bad. i said i never experienced love - and that was evil. i can't say i'm wrong but i can't affirm my claim without being deemed a liar. I'm sorry. if anything, you're the closest i've ever come to completely doubting my very character.

and thats all i asked for.

i'm pessimistic? i hate you for saying that. honestly. because you're reigniting burnt sites. you don't want to lay claim to the chaos you've created. a downtrodden path with tragedy and turmoil in your wake. yet you plead ignorant. yet you blame the innocents, and send them to the stake. that i hate. come clean please. its the least you could do.

and yet you dare accuse me of thinking too much?

you'll be in my dreams. i love you for making me who I am, and showing me the true meaning of disappointment. I don't love.

newyear

2007-01-01T23:58:00.000+08:00

old faces. love it.

this year's been 24 hours old so far. years should be like goods. they should come with a 7 day exchange kinda system.
don't like it, you've got till the 7th to change your year. hmm. sounds feasible no?
well, if i were given that chance, i'd keep everything the same.
a year well spent with friends so far. assaulting them with the most brutal of jokes, puns, and other forms of language deformation.
first time seriously drinking. realised i can hold my alcohol quite well. was afraid alcoholism may be a potential threat in my life. realised that was nothing more than paranoia.
serious discussions with matthew. 6 years and nothing's changed man.
haha, beautiful.
every minute of it.
things i'd want to change? my address. its an issue i'd like to ADDRESS. bwahaha. giving you a taste of what they've been havin to endure for, well, a whole year. and if it isn't a full year, its a hole year.
alright, stopping short of getting my site destroyed, i'll say this: its a new year, but only in name, only in digits. we're all still the same, and time, if anything, excaberates problems; strengthens bonds.
lets move to extremes.
screw neutrality.
i'm serial.

whatever you do, don't put the screw driver atop the cupboard.

end.06

2006-12-31T06:38:00.000+08:00

twas nice knowing you.
may your memories forever fade into oblivion.

i've got new pedro shoes and am awfully happy bout it. or was rather, till loss and well, financial setbacks made themselves apparent as disappointments took centre stage towards the later course of the day. so ah well, you win some you lose some.
still, new pedro shoes are new pedro shoes.
now i desperately need an excuse to wear, not just my new jeans, but my new pedro shoes as well. damn. hope it'll be tonight. i don't know.

i love awkward moments.

despite my desperate attempts at self-sufficiency, and my loathing of most any brand of idiosyncratic behavior that plagues the human species, i believe it is only amongst the company of others that i can truly find peace. and revel.
perhaps its a matter of regarding others as cornerstones, reflections.
a room without mirrors is a room nonetheless. you grow, you live. you just miss out on everything perhaps.
something like that maybe? except it makes sense.
office is one of the best shows in the world.

thank goodness for pedro shoes.

au revoir 2006. you'll stay with me for longer than i'd want.

longlivethedead

2006-12-30T16:49:00.000+08:00

awfully fun - met up with my secondary school friends today again
ikram and syharein and nicholas and the usual people.
nostaligia at its best.

we were sitting down at macdonalds today.
lesson learnt : eating too much makes you fat

hmm. ah well.

got new puma shoes. street soccer ones. 52

think its quite value for money, so hmm.

feel like gettin a nice pair of purposeless shoes. the going-out kind. never had a decent one worthy of mention. was always my street soccer shoes that didn't at all go with my clothes. pedro seems quite nice. or pumas? or both haha. i hope.

hmm, we'll see.

everything's on hold, or permanently frozen.

either way, giving a damn's just too much effort as it is.

i don't know what happened to adrian tan. will someone please enlighten me as to his motives?

you think you know a guy...

ns does funny things to funny people.

i'm sufficiently terrified.

makeup

2006-12-29T18:31:00.000+08:00

everyone's getting a lil superficial and hey, if beauty isn't skin deep then what is?

from its name, perhaps cosmetics are devised to 'make up' for what people are lacking in.
meaning using makeup amounts to conceding that one's appearance is aesthetically unacceptable, judged by one's own standards

its funny then, that girls all over the world wear a mask to their proms, when they don't do the same throughout the rest of the school year. hypocrisy you may charge.

easily looked at from another angle, perhaps cosmetics should be grouped with attire, a different suit for a different occasion. versatility, and not hypocrisy then.
but i think thats crap.
the point of make up is to conceal, and not to match required formalities, dress codes. collared shirts, shoes, maybe; but there is no occasion that demands all attendants wear make up. that chemicals take the place of skin.
i can't say that i'm completely against make up, beacuse that'll get me into a trap.
i believe it amounts to what i've talked about before
you have 2 choices in life - life the truth or spend your whole time in existence believing, and keeping up, a well devised lie.
if yall wanna wear make up, then (if it makes you look better that is) don't stop i suppose. and never let your potential partners find out. else, it just amounts to deception aimed at the proliferation of disappointment.
and that'd be cruel.

today's been a pretty miserable day.
woke at 2pm, and its 6 now.
at least south park kept me company.
maybe i'd go running tomm morning. hope theres company.
new years coming soon. another non-event if i'm stupid enough to stay home.
then again, whats the big deal yea?

hmm, things have got to work out. and if they don't, well,

theres always south park.

strokesofgenius

2006-12-29T01:13:00.000+08:00

[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
in light of recent darkness, is it okay to switch on the light?

...

Alex says:
JAY CHOU WAS CONDEMNED TO IT
mustard and tabasco, chilli and mayo says:
wahahaha
[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
FOR REAL!?
Alex says:
BUT HE KILLED HIMSELF 1ST
[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
SO HE'S FINALLY GONE@!?
Alex says:
yeah
mustard and tabasco, chilli and mayo says:
5 cos the head also got one
Alex says:
haha
daryl. says:
yeah i saw also
[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
oh. that sounds like saw 3
[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
you saw saw?
[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
but if you see saw, does that mean you saw saw or you just went to a playground?
mustard and tabasco, chilli and mayo says:
ARGHH
daryl. says:
haha
daryl. says:
(see cerise u havent been missing much not talking to dev on msn)
mustard and tabasco, chilli and mayo says:
AGREED

i decided to spread the joy, far and wide.

[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
but if you see saw, does that mean you saw saw or you just went to a playground?
You Claiming I'm Fake, What Are You, An Atheist Now? says:
YOU NEED TO DIE A SLOW AND GRUESOME DEATH
You Claiming I'm Fake, What Are You, An Atheist Now? says:
haha you can create a joke book on tonight's form lol
[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
lol
[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
one that wouldn't sell
You Claiming I'm Fake, What Are You, An Atheist Now? says:
unless the book prostitutes itself

funniestjokeintheworld

2006-12-28T20:49:00.000+08:00

[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
eh i just thought of a damn funny joke
[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
why does lauren play right back at arsenal?
You Claiming I'm Fake, What Are You, An Atheist Now? says:
it better be funny
[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
because before his debut match, he was chatting with arsene wenger - then arsene wenger told him : brb
You Claiming I'm Fake, What Are You, An Atheist Now? says:
haha
[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
LOL
You Claiming I'm Fake, What Are You, An Atheist Now? says:
OH MY GOD
[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
[+/D€v@±hå§\+] Citius,Altius,Fortius. nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. says:
( can you pls contributing laughtering )

1276

2006-12-28T19:13:00.000+08:00

crazy stuff. that was the amt of rubbish in my long-dead-but-recently-revived account. hmm. and you know what? only about 3 of those thousand or so e-mails were worth reading. not a very reassuring ratio.
poor s_peterparker.

went for my psychological interview tod. think i'm sane. aft the interview, they put us all in this room that had a label that read 'sane' on the door. meaning we were in sane. hmm. yea.
i hope it went well. think i talked to much, but i guess i feel better when blabbering than i do in awkward silences so ah well. gotta do better on the 26th tho.
person seemed quite nice.

got my first pair of jeans yesterday, and no i don't give a crap bout maintaing a reasonable sense of chronological order. i don't know whats so good bout jeans damn it, and i don't know why levis must confuse the hell outta people by having a million different kinds. got a 506 if i'm not wrong. felt old when i went into the shop and didn't know what was going on. ah well. screw jeans.
cost a hundred, and nice reebok tee cost 26, and nice puma shoes cost 52. so that makes... quite a tidy sum in all. i'm contributing to the economy. father, don't fret - you'll feel it soon enough. when the multiplier hits you.

screw charlton, go birmingham - don't disappoint.

i think i'll never get over certain things - so perhaps i'll just accept my situation as it is. beautiful distractions.
screw peanuts. damned peanuts.
think i'm allergic or sth. felt freakin crappy tod when running, but feel really good now.. that its over.
feel like crashing first day of school next year - but need accomplices. hmm. will see how.
freedom is running out, and i need an excuse to wear my jeans and look stylish and cool, just like every other damn person who's probably wearing a 506 on the street. or a 512 or a 518 or a 102941029481029581029. screw jeans.
i don't want to wear it to ns. samuel gives the stupidest advice.

thank god for south park.

terrified.

2006-12-24T01:33:00.000+08:00

and Ns is coming soon. please. help.

i'm completely disoriented, and my whole days are centred around the prospect of hearing from you. its a damned way to live.
i've settled into an uncomfortable equilibrium and am desperate for an out. and what's worse is that life's gonna get alot harder for me - and i've gotta get used to alotta new things, i don't need this. damn it, the things i get myself into.
i don't blame you one bit - i've done my fair share of analysing and its doubtless that you're in the clear. your apologies are nothing more than formalities. hollow, if we're to go by the book.
i keep trying, in vain, to revive hopes, that turn into nothing short of haunting ghosts, lingering long after efforts have died down and energy is lacking. attacking the weak, preying on the crippled. its a cruel game of the mind. you're not involved anymore.
there're only two ways out and the former keeps appealing to me. the easy way out. that never leads to an answer.
i'll defn find someone else, no doubt there. i have every doubt however, that she'd allow me to forget bout you. perhaps its this defeatist mentality that creates the problem itself. its a damned paradox then isn't it? one that i can't seem to fight my way out of.
and time is running out. i won't have an out there. no mean of bitching about it on an online diary, no way of trying to come crawling back to you.

i miss you like hell, and i don't know why. i hate you so much for that. for this stupid control you have over me. for the way i'm behaving. i hate this.

i'm not one to fall for such simple tricks. yet, i'm in this hole and theres no way out.
the stairway seems ever elusive.
and helping hands all seem out of reach. redundant. useless.
i'm playing myself deeper, and enjoying everyminute of it.
its when i stop, and realise my situation, that fear begins to creep in - soon followed by hate - no different from the steps to recovery a disease stricken individual takes.
things have to get worse before they get better

they're awfully bad now.
i'll try to focus on the silver lining.

dejavu

2006-12-23T19:27:00.000+08:00

hmm, a post dedicated to a movie? yea right.
haven't watched it, heard it was crap. i wouldn't know.
think you should watch it twice to get the full effect.

slept for the most part of today a la koala. its getting quite pointless to do quite alotta things. so hmm, thats not to say i'm not enjoying myself. i'm just pretty pissed at people getting in the way of my enjoyment. Every get the feeling where you're pissed but realise that you have no right to be pissed - hence further fuelling your rage and theres no out? well, its kinda like that now, perhaps on a smaller scale. guess i just need to be with my friends. and forget bout things for awhile.

right now i'll work on the latter.

dejavu

2006-12-23T19:14:00.000+08:00

tistheseason

2006-12-22T23:45:00.000+08:00

went out with daniel, matthew, ben and his family today. had fun, although all the adults were doing wierd stuff.
company over circumstance any day.
hope we can meet sometime real soon yea.

well, its christmas time. and i don't feel nothing. never did, probably never will.
its just not in the nature of my family (and its constituents) to celebrate. anything. no birthdays, no deepavali, no nothing. every day is just no different. guess disappointment's feared to that great an extent. no buildups, no letdowns.
takes a lil getting used to, but in a while i guess i'd become just as rock hard, lest i salvage whats left.
ah well, doubt its worth it.

super awkward moment yesterday.. i think i wouldn't like to send anyone home anymore. i really wish i could've viewed the situation from a 3rd person perspective - would've been laughing my ass off. would've probably, in cartman's terms, blown a funny fuse. Cartman is my idol.

i need to be a lil less superficial and a lil more uncaring, thereby reaching a safe state. right now, things're just messed up.

Anyway, i recommend everyone to go watch southpark - every single ep you could possibly get your hands on's worth it. solace in southpark.
and its so much more than the slapstick humor, the vulgarities, the characters. its beautiful. its a safehouse, an out. at the risk of sounding like your typical ranting teen - you don't get it. once again, abandon your myopic perspectives and venture a lil further. neglect your groundings, disregard what has been taken as given all this while. lets reinvent ourselves.
begin from within if you will.

everything is as simple as you want it to be. to each his own then - no risk of over-analysing, for you confuse only as you wish. and for believers in fate - everything's been pre-determined, so what risk is there?
lets live the way we've been meant to.
or not.

its all been done.

awkwardmoments

2006-12-20T05:13:00.000+08:00

theres the good kind and the bad kind
the former being the case whereby the party responsible for the generation/proliferation of awkardness in the atmosphere and that party alone is affected negatively, such that once that party leaves, i.e. exits the proximity, the remaining individuals are able to appreciate the moment.
well things're pretty awkward now. and i'm all alone.

i don't really know whats going on, but apparently i've become more thick skinned. and i think i had better rethink my strategy as to the avoidance of awkward silences. Formerly a staunch supporter of the notion, it is apparent i have switched camps. a violent right-to-left swing.
hmm.. hypocrisy you may charge, but i defend. this is no grounds for principles to be measured/criticised.

'of course i don't have an account, i have a life'
the 'make love not warcraft' edition of south park was damn funny. everyone should go watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MywN5nSJhkA
and once again, please people, don't get addicted to online games. No, they do not constitute social activity. Yes, over-exposure will result in malformation of bones/facial features.

flavour of the day - hypocrisy.
its funny, only hypocrites can claim to detest hypocrisy without fear of being hypocrites.. hmm. something to that effect.

everyone should go watch thank you for smoking too. where'd/when'd i watch it you may ask? well allow me to tell you. It just so happens that during my BUSINESS CLASS flight back to singapore, it was one of the free movies available. haha, think my friends ( or perhaps former friends whom have now decided to break all ties with me ) are very much annoyed. but hey, i can't help myself.

false hopes. damn. theres no such thing as thinking too much, and i'm still adamant about that. if something sparks thought it is clearly deserving of 'least a decent amount of consideration. the wonderful forces of the market. unless of course you're being manipulated, lied to, which happens more often than not. the keynesians of the social world. show yourselves, and make your way to the stake.

from learning how to pronounce keynes to forgetting how to spell his name, we've come a long way. and damn, i think 2 years is.. well.. 2 years. i'll miss you people. but that doesn't translate into a willingness to replicate what is dead and gone. i'm not that far gone. I'm still sufficiently grounded. and delusion can only take you so far my friends. We'll just have to live with the fact that nothing is left of what was once so much. Our spirit, once in abundance, has now withered down to nothing. heck, perhaps there was nothing to begin with, and it was all a matter of delusion, of concerted play-acting, and lies covered by lies. but it was good.

you always have 2 choices - make finding the truth the centre of your life, and live a continual pursuit, or just live a lie, and work on never finding out.
happiness comes either way.
and thats what everyone wants, happiness.
necessarily, happiness cannot come without conflicting emotions - anger, sadness and the like.

stop being so myopic people.
awkward moments are a necessary evil.
they hold the social fabric of whole societies together.
logically, situations deemed 'normal' are void of awkward moments. hence, going a lil further, we can classify normal as the lack of awkwardness.
i don't really need to go further then.

there's no such thing as thinking too much.
this post, however, bears testimony to the contrary.

timesofold.

2006-12-17T22:50:00.000+08:00

just realised that the title of this blog is quite paradoxical.
go figure.

bah, i've just realised why i was so keen on meetin up with my old 'friends'.
everytime you have reunions, or even interact with acquaintances whose physical presence you've not had the pleasure/displeasure (no sexual connotations) of embracing for a reasonably long time, its quite clear that the experience is so much more than just about 'catching up'.
revelling in nostalgia.
its about reverting to a previous point in one's life. everytime you meet up with old friends, you find yourself behaving in a different way. no doubt - you're still yourself. you're just yourself in a different point in time.

and you're bloody taking that away from me.

business

2006-12-17T17:30:00.000+08:00

and i mean business. class that is.
bwahaha. time to boast.
you have been warned.

return trip was, in a word, business.
in a class of its own. business class that is.
i tell you, its the only way to fly.
got a free upgrade for some reason or another, and i'm never going back.
theres nothing economical about economy class. for a slight extra, you get to actually enjoy your flight, meaning thats another few hours added to your vacation. avoidance of mental torture and annoyance. my goodness, the benefits far outweigh the costs.
economy class isn't worthy of its title.

lobster
veal
godiva chocolates
free movies
extra nice headphones ( noise cancelling ones )
seats that are actually comfortable
some funny pack that contains all the toiletries you'll ever need in a flight and more

c'mon, can it get any better?

economy class - $1k
business class - $1.5k
getting upgraded to business class because they didn't have enough seats in economy class when you bought an economy class ticket prior to their realisation that they totally and completely screwed up logistically - well, free
bragging rights attained after having travelled business class - priceless

tho be warned. thou shalt not request nacho libre or the like, lest risk being relegated to 13 year old status in the minds of the cabin crew, and hence be denied the wonders of alcohol.

ah well, its all good.

its all business.

documented.surfing2

2006-12-16T13:15:00.000+08:00

umm.. thats not me. but is a typical example of 'surfbored'. bwahaha. pun intended. apparently, we had a misunderstanding. In 'hitting the waves', roles got mixed up. ah well, heart and soul!!!
yes, that is what you call a wipeout. and yes, you have guessed correctly - it was intentional. for the sake of your education. the things i do..
time for the birds to enjoy the limelight
surf instructor. he must've been wondering where i got such a good tan.. hmm.
damn, almost lost my contacts in my eyes.
long way back. arm is tired. acting cool is tough work.

documented.surfing1

2006-12-16T12:59:00.000+08:00

and no, not the net.
mammoth task ahead. and it costs 50. ah well. 'least you get to hold the board and act cool.

guy began by explaining how waves are formed. apparently surfers are not all that blunt. or maybe thats what he wants us to think.. hmm :s

awfully nice instructor tho.

in our 'laxing' pose.
enthu muthus.

setting off.
getting there...
umm.. cameraman got distracted somewhat. perhaps a better camera should be considered, one with zoom. ether that or cameraman should be replaced with one a lil better equipped with scuba gear. poor father.

documented.signs

2006-12-16T12:49:00.000+08:00

this sign was placed on the ledge (well duh) of some shop near the hotel. haha, taking courtesy to a whole 'nother level. singapore's courtesy campaign numbskulls could go down under and learn a few things. his master's voice. felt pretty sad when i remembered what the abbreviation stood for. poor dog..
woot. what i've been waiting for my whole life. godsent.
upon seeing this, i was taken aback. baffled. stupefied. and responded the only way we singaporeans knew how : KNNBCCB. RACIST ISSIT.
nah, they don't really have an appetite for asians, so no worries. apparently this place sells stuff for us asians cus perhaps we're not worthy to shop in the supermarkets there. so nice of them.
haha. but in all honesty, its not. it just sells noodles and stuff. pretty normal stuff. its more asian than NTUC.. :S maybe we should have an australian supermarket, a chinese prata shop, an english barber, a pakistani western food stall, a french chain of hawker stalls, etc. etc.

restecp.

documented.globalisation

2006-12-16T12:41:00.000+08:00

commercialisation man. shops everwhere. i'll have to rethink the validity of say's law.
lotsa surf-shops, and not the poseur stupid flash/splash kind. these actually sell surfboards and stuff. they range from 200+ to 1k.
globalisation. travel a million miles away, but at the end of the day theres always a damn store that stays open 24/7.

documented.hotel

2006-12-16T12:30:00.000+08:00

journey from bt batok to changi : ~$20
Journey from changi to brisbane airport: ~$3k
journey from brisbane airport to courtyard @ marriot (our hotel) : priceless.
crazy taxi meters.
Views from hotel:

Grass tennis courts! too bad i'm pretty useless at the sport. daniel would've loved it.

change

2006-12-14T19:51:00.000+08:00

loose change.
nah, new name, new game.
its all good.

today was, well, arguably one of the highlights of the trip. went shopping with my father. shopping with my father means me walking around and him sitting at a central location/ looking at and eventually buying long-sleeved shirts. today he was a lil more enthusiastic - he took an interest in the games or rather game i bought. got the xpansion set - 50% off so it was a steal at 20 if you ask me. woo. dota stands for defense of the ancients. by knowing that i have been elevated to pro status. was telling cw that i should go into every game and say that at the start. then everyone would be scared off.
yeah.. well.. thats that.
so anyway - back to the shopping story.
at first, my father said he'd bring me to buy stuff today yesterday. so i went around looking for stuff around the hotel, and planned to spend bout 200, which i thought was a tad too much.. so i was planning on what to neglect- age old problem my friends.
then today, first surprise : they weren't going out.
2nd surprise : father was taking me to pacific fair! lol.. and all the while, he was introducing me to all the 'new' places, and the bus system, and i had to play along. was too lazy to tell him i had done quite a bit of gallavanting.
3rd and biggest surprise : we had lunch there, and soon after, he asked me to go walk around and explore - i.e. begin scouting mission, 1st phase of typical shopping trip. then just as i left, he said: ' budget $1k '. i was umm.. taken aback to say the least.
in the words of a famous american musician, star of the film 12.8km, (yes, the metric system makes far more sense my american friends), i thought my dad'd gone crazy.

nintendo wii, psp, and to a lesser extent ps3 had begun floating around in my mind, fuzzy images. damn, i thought. i don't deal well with unlimited resources. i'm a good economist : ). yea right..
so i came to the conclusion that.. well, bullcrap. I'm just gonna buy clothes, and thats what i did. was too tired to think of all the millions of things i could've bought - so stuck to the plan.
spent nowhere near that amount, but got lotsa pretty decent stuff.
nice clothes i'd say. got a hugo boss shirt ( so brand conscious.. tsk tsk ) at half price so i think that's pretty good. got stuff for matt and dan. think matt will like his tshirt more than dan would like his, well, whatever i got him. lol. sorry daniel. tried to put thought into it..
wanted to buy stuff for all my other friends too, but just couldn't think of anything decent.. got some chocolates tho, so if you wanna be treated, make sure you benice to me when i get back :)

anyhow, its the LAST NIGHT! woot... its 8pm sing 10pm aus now, and yea, father's snoring. haha. can't really be bothered ( well actually i can but am trying not to ) cus its the last night.. don't know if i should go running tomm, will see how. gotta leave the room by 12.30pm.. but hey, its the last night : )

look forward to seeing everyone when i get back. and by everyone, i mean only a few people, but am trying to sound popular.

apparently the mafia has a rule that dictates they cannot kill people in the midst of their (the victims') families. quite nice eh. hmm. makes you think..

so i've got all my spare change back in my wallet. and bags're being packed. its gonna be quite awhile before i reach home. but hey, i'm loving every minute of it. its the journey. the plane trip home's gonna be nice.

can't wait to see you. honestly.

revival?

2006-12-13T19:30:00.000+08:00

69
22968
DEVATHAS SATIANATHAN

6:59:50
7:00:27
0:21:40
0:44:44
0:44:06

quite disappointing to be honest.
but what without proper training and stuff - reason NOT excuse.. i guess it isn't too shabby
(joe makes me look good :D)

saw saw today.
decided to see saw so strangely circumstances stood such that saw was seen, i.e. saw saw. 3.
damn gory. too gory for my taste. and i don't know why the price of the saw 3 ticket's A$11, whereas that of the prestige is only A$8.50.. apparently movies in australia are not deemed homogeneous. hmm.
and the worst part? - they asked me for my id.. come on people, this is getting out of hand. when i went watch little miss sunshine, which was nc16, the guy, probably being a bastard, asked me for my id. but this is a bit too much..
MA15+'s the rating here. all NC-16 movies in singapore are rated M here. meaning ANYONE can watch, just with the knowledge that they've been warned. M-18 and R-21 movies tend to have a far mor lax MA15+ rating..
at first i was on the verge of lambasting the singapore censorship board.. but after watching it, haha.. dang, i don't know if it was such a good idea. fact o the matter is - make something more inaccessible and it becomes more attractive. so ah well, tough one there.

people in australia are quite polite.. i can forsee myself attempting, but in vain, to strike up a conversation with the cashiers in singapore, only to be faced with cold faces.
ah well, you win some you lose some.
saw 3 is disgusting.. who needs to see a guy's head/skull being sawed open?!
damn, anyone aspiring to be a doctor - saw 3's the first step.

wanted to go crash, after the saw 3 show. but by then my knees were kinda shaky, and stomach kinda not in a good place.. plus there were lotsa cinema-people, psuedo ushers, standing outside. so dang. afternoon had to be spent in some other manner. went to subway - A$3.95 for sandwich of the day. 69c for 1.5l water. and some chewing gum that could be blown into bubbles - wrigleys. oh and i got a free hat. bout time too, tho i think its too late. cool stuff eh - free caps sign at subway would've attracted singaporeans like mosquitoes to a... umm.. mosquito lamp?

perhaps a better analogy is in order.

ah well, think things're looking up.. may.. MAY go shopping tomm. nothing's for certain.
found a few nice shirts. this damn nice hugo boss place - half price so its not too bad.. size may be a problem tho, so gotta check it out. and a few other shirts and stuff at really good prices - 20 - 30, which is reasonably by anyone's standards.
seems when one thing's good, the rest pick up too.
talked to this singaporean in the lift. it seems when people are on holiday, they tend to open up a lot easier, and adopt a less stand-offish attitude. They're more daring, and adventurous. perhaps, in general, people become extreme. in all directions.
that may be a good explanation.

so yea, two more days, two more nights. can't wait honestly. just needta get shopping done.
got high hopes for my remaining days. wanna see my friends. daniel, matthew, s12 people, alex, daryl.. i really hope we can catch up. and all the rest with whom i've made psuedo appointments. problem with making appointments is that you can't seem too desperate, and yet can't appear too stand-offish. then again, theres the 2nd dimension of pre-emptive stand-offishness/desperation. so bah. i'd rather appear desperate and get things done, than stand off and stand alone.
and i wanna see you. o so much.
i'm quite optimistic bout things.
please

please don't disappoint.

desperation

2006-12-12T20:17:00.000+08:00

dragged my feet to the bus stop just as they left.
went to this place called COOLANGETTA today..
didn't really know what it was at first - this kebab guy recommended i go there.
o i bought kebab for dinner yest. no such luxury today.
anyhow, i was thinking it was some Hood, with gangsters and all waiting to pounce on me. typical. an overdose of scepticism never hurt anyone eh?
so anyhow, thought it couldn't be thaat bad, so i decided to check it out. desperately needed to get my mind of things. haha.. honestly, it was quite a bad decision in some ways.
whole bus trip to think. and it was the most part of an hour, and i had no idea where i was going, which was half the fun. bus fare was $8 btw. crazy stuff. tho it did let me travel an unlimited no. of bus rides throughout the day.

finally saw a few COOLANGETTA signboards and felt kinda relieved.. kinda disappointed.
passed by the airport, and when the driver started shouting out :'ANYONE GOING TO THE AIRPORT?' i got pretty scared.

COOLANGETTA is a freakin nice place. beautiful beaches. FREAKIN beautiful. so much so that i think i got sunburnt, and thats an achievement by my standards. so anyhow, it ended up with me walking along endless stretches of sand in midnoon sun, which wasn't the smartest thing to do but ah well.
and that gave me even more time to think once again.. which was pretty screwed up. so i found a nice place to sit along the beach and read my astoundingly lame book. after the rain - don't read. stupid library book.. waste of time.
then i walked for a bit and went to the bus-stop and continued reading my book. intention was to go back to the hotel, change, and get out, but somehow i ended up at pacific fair, this shopping complex thats about 20minutes away from the hotel by bus. and suddenly, it dawned on me that.. well.. i could watch a movie! desperate for a cineplex, i was anticipating disappointment, realising the whole damn place was open air-ed and 2 storeys high.. but my perseverance paid off! oh sweet victory.
and guess what? the tickets were NOT ridiculously expensive. A$8.50, when i was expecting A$15 as per my friends' comments. woot. downside ( which could actually be an upside ) was that i couldn't watch saw 3 - only listing was at 9.15. so i watched prestige instead, yep its still showing here.
and man, am i confused now.
didn't really pay too much attention towards the ending ( doing a bit o in cinema thinking.. was freaking alone so you can't blame me ) and i left extremely confused..
oh btw, aussie's are really trustworthy ( or so they seem... ) cinema concept's such that you can easily crash another movie once yours has ended.. i'd defn do that if i had someone to do that with. Guilty conscience benefits from economies of scale.

was a lonely day but a relatively okay one. got to watch simpsons, futurama, and that 70s show afterwards at the gym too, so that was a sweet ending.

hmm. will try to catch saw 3 tomm perhaps. another day.

miss you.

disappointingdelusions

2006-12-12T07:19:00.000+08:00

double whammy.
am alone again. 7.19am singapore, 9.19 here.
wouldn't really give a crap but tod's esp bad.
went for breakfast with them in hope of getting out of the hotel, out of this place. some company, albeit bad company, in hopes of getting distracted.
bloody good that did.

sickening how fake you are.
if you don't want me along just say it.
' i think its best if you rest '. save me the melodrama.
sickening lies. have some guts.

damn, i've got myself into this trap.
i'd put my life in the hands of a stranger in a sec.
not with these people.

don't really feel like coming back today.

damneddreams.

2006-12-12T04:05:00.000+08:00

euphoria shortlived..
okay, so this is how today's been so far
its 4.06am singapore time, 6.o6am here, and i've already got enough to talk bout.
its completely against my nature to even look at a computer screen at this obscene hour, but apparently the situation calls for it..

first things first, woke up alone, which was good/sad. Think they're getting quite deliberate. not like i can complain, i wouldn't like to be with myself either. just stop the bloody acting, and drop the damn facades. hate is hate.

and damn it.. I dreamt bout you last night, and it was so bloody real.. I can't believe it.
I thought i had it all figured out.
I know this sounds like teenage heartbreak bullshit, and well... haha, yea it probably is, but honestly i don't give a damn.
its me. and i'm in trouble..
It was so so real.. and i was taken in and living it. very much so.. having the time of my damn 'life'. Felt emotions i've never felt in reality for only too long..
I don't know what kinda 'sign' this is, but i doubt it'd represent motivation to try anything. to make this less one-sided. to save myself.
I really hate myself now.. for being me.
for being so vulnerable, and so damn stupid. i don't hate myself for having found you, i hate myself for having lost you. At the end of the day, its obviously my fault. and i guess its just what i deserve.. but please.. the torture has got to end.
i want either my dream to become reality, or the converse to come into effect..
sweet death i tell you, if it means progressing into such a world.

bloody hell. i was so taken in. completely and totally.
i was played, even by myself.
strangely enough, i think i had realised it was a dream, yet committed fully in terms of emotions, well aware of potential IMMENSE disappointment. perhaps thats just how much i need you. thats how desperate I am. this is awfully sad, well it ain't sad for me. its painful.
posting this isn't going to achieve anything.

I know i could send you a message or something - (testimony to our distance at present) - but what'd i say? with all the caveats in place, it'd amount to nothing.
NO DAMN THING.
i'd tell you how i feel, then say - but i know you can't do anything, and i don't know why i'm sending this, i don't need a reply, and i hope this doesn't affect you.

then whats the damn point.
clearly, i just want you back. regardless of the situation, the time, etc.
even if it means disappointment, cus at least then i'd know dreams are just dreams, not prophecies, not alternate realities...

emotions even in dreams.. this is getting serious.
but honestly, i'd do anything to experience it all over again.
even if it means waking up at 4.06am.

yea, this may sound like some teenage love crap.
but hey, i don't claim to know what love is.
i just know that if you're important enough to bother me in my dreams..

then you're something.

demands

2006-12-10T10:09:00.000+08:00

'and sometimes you close your eyes and see.. the place where you used to live..'
youtube's finally up. Thank you

What i need right now is a koenigsegg.
with you in it.

koenigsegg's optional.

drift

2006-12-10T08:21:00.000+08:00

I've just realised how easy it'd be to torture me. I don't know whats wrong.
Have been more or less burning from the inside out over the past two days. Dying'd bring sweet relief, but with it probably disappointment. Hence the decision not to jump. Just to sleep in the balcony.

29 floors.. its too long a trip down too. Vertigo

Ah well, I was so intent on bitchin about every single annoyance that was responsible for tearing me up over the past two days.. but hey, I can't give a shit.
I'm sick and tired, literally.

For the first time in a long time I've been blog-surfing. Something that i've more or less sworn against in the past. Apparently my principles are expandable. Hope not all though. I guess that occupied a tad o my time. Its 10.24 here, and I'm alone in the room. Am sick, so activities are drastically limited.. else i'd be runnin along the beach by now. So damn it, I have every freaking right to complain.

My father doesn't realise the traits we have in common, and if he does then he's playing it out quite well. He's either completely ignorant, or as conniving as me. I suspect the latter. Credit where its due.

So anyhow, its settled. I'm no social butterfly. I live best alone. Sure, I get lonely alot. but hell, it sure beats this. Opp cost. You win some you lose some. I'm cashing in my soul for a lil peace please. I'd find peace on a battlefield.

Don't get me wrong. Think i'll be going to the gym soon. Don't really feel well. Don't really know whats wrong.. suspect its the GODDAMN SLEEP i've been LOSING OUT ON. Poor father is confusing cause with effect. DAMN IT. this is so damn frustrating. Days are just preludes to the sickening nights. can't see them for what they are. all opportunity is gone.

Feeling of wastage is gone too. No longer am I striving to make the best of my here and now. I'm just freaking trying to survive, a la prisoner in cell scratching days on the wall. ////
damn this. Its not damn pessimism for all you assholes trying to psychoanalyse me. I should know, cus thats what I'm so eager on doing all the while. Bitter medicine.

Argh. Its just a matter of time. I'm not intent on getting back. Revenge is passe. At least thats what your conscience tells you. Everytime you give in, thats revenge on a whole 'nother level. Think about it.

Stupidity is contagious. stop reading to save yourself.

So hmm. i've been doing alot/no thinking, and well, I don't really knowif my one month left in singapore GOD BLESS SINGAPORE will be any better. one thing's for sure.. it can't be any worse.
Keep looking forward to seeing my friends. Going out with daniel and matthew, playing soccer ( when i get better ) AWAY from the beach and with PEOPLE I KNOW, revising places of old and by that i don't freakin mean going on a heritage trip - some depth if you will.

So 2 problems here. One, these events don't even take place, due to forseen/unforseen circumstances. 2, these do take place, but disappoint. tremendously. Its hard to say which is worse seriously. I always try to get ridda this grass-is-always-greener mentality, but sometimes, i believe I'm not in the wrong. Take the scenario I'm in

1. Sick without proper access to medicine
2. Unfavourable climate
3. Having to live with other people
4. Lips cracking
5. Stupid tv channels
6. NO BLOODY SLEEP
7. can't do shit.
8. Cash strapped
9. clothes need to be washed 'manually'.

put in typical american bitch slang : 'I'm like wth'.
seriously, souvenirs maybe, but honestly 10 days is 11 days too long for a trip here with your 'family'. 'least for me.
this is one depressing post.
i'm in a hotel room thats bloody stuffy thanks to my sister's apparent ALLERGY to the cold, and NAT GEO's on telly. I bloody deserve your sympathy. African kids're probably laughing at me.

bah, back to first world worries.
all this pissed-offedness has gotten me thinking, maybe maldives wasn't bout missing you, it was about missing DISTANCE. because, if anything, thats all there was between us. about missing a necessary void. a necessary evil. I keep complaining bout it, but maybe thats whats so crucial in my life. A necessary feeling of hopelessness, of helplessness. Relegating one's mindset to conformity, sapping independence. I'm just pissed off at you, but then again, with the benefit of hindset, i once again see things clearly. Worse thing you did was to be nice to me i think. As much as i hate to admit it, that brought hope. Hope for hopelessness, of returning to an unwelcome past. So i'm really at a loss as to what's going on. I think i'm superficial as can be, but its never the looks that attract me. or maybe it is. i don't know.

1 month isn't enough to do nothing i guess. Going into NS alone i suppose. CAn't really bring myself to give a rat's ass now to be honest.. I just need to get home in one piece first.. 'least theres solace in the knowing that i could've been here for 20 days. thank you god. funny ways you go bout doing your work.

doubt i'd have many more pictures to document my trip.

awaiting a million disappointments with anticipation.

day3.bloodyleg

2006-12-08T17:56:00.000+08:00

damn this.
am beginning to regret, not my decision to come here, but rather my choice of company. Can't complain tho, its not as if I'm paying. Thats what makes it even worse.
Sickening.
6 more nights.. hang in there.

Am in the room alone now, 'least grateful for that. Touch the sky video's playing - reminds me of how kanye made a fool of himself in front o millions at some award show. beside the damn point.

Today was alright. 'least i had the room to myself for a decent bit.
Running on the beach, for a lil longer today. they have bicycle tracks on the road here. so thats where i was runnin on the return. houses look so.. movie-ish. Didn't really see that many people.
Should go do laundry tod. Can't really be bothered to wait on them. Sentiments're clearly mutual. Self-pity's beautiful.
So yea, prob camp in the gym or sth. can't really stand being here.
Don't get me wrong. you may think i'm just some ungrateful sob.... well, can't argue with you there. haha. but whatever alright? I speak my mind. And thats more than I can say for most people I know. Bloody facades. Its so bloody obvious.

Returned to the room after the run, went to the balcony and saw some people playing soccer in some grass patch in the distance, so decided to go join them. Damn my decision not to bring my shoes along.. Was quite fun. They're apparently some english class. the guy who seemed like the teacher was the best equipped ( with adidas boots and all ) but unfortunately least skilfull. Awfully nice tho, all o em. All sortsa nationalities, but apparently 'goal' transcends language barriers of all sorts. Fun stuff. Awfully painful tho. Blistered and bleeding. My new teva slippers are now well stained. Ah well, you win some you lose some. I wouldn't mind spending my next 6 days in a similar fashion, ceteris paribus. Gotta wait for my leg to heal tho. damn it. Don't know if i should go surfin again. seems tempting tho. hmm.

anyhow, lets see if i get any sleep tonight. No - 1.07 Yes - 14.00.
Screw it.

day2

2006-12-08T13:33:00.000+08:00

Awoke to the prospect of breakfast buffet!
we found out that guests get the buffet at 25 for 2 ppl, so my father and I decided to go, and we'd take turns with my sis throughout the next week or so. Upon going to the counter, we realised all of us got FREE breakfasts! such a beautiful word no?

wasn't all that impressive in the end. disappointment.

Surfing lesson was at 2pm, so like typical kan-cheong Singaporeans, we went down at 10 to register. I was the only one going for it. Father and sister couldn't really care much for the potential humiliation. haha.

No lunch. O yea, we've got a good thing going here. 2 meals a day. And believe you me, its more than enough.

So got all set for my surfing, and went at 2. They almost lost my registration thing, but thank goodness that was sorted out. Got this surfing shirt to wear ( too bad twas only on loan.. although i wouldn't really be able to wear it in Sing.. NS maybe.. lol. )
Lesson began with the guy explaining to us how waves were formed. Pretty cool stuff. Should be a BREEZE (pun intended) for geog students.
Oh btw, surfboards, even the training ones we got, are quite heavy, and big. so carrying them on one hand a la OC/Laguna Beach style isn't all that easy if you're planning to walk a few kilmetres on the beach.
Found out too, that surfing isn't for the brainless. ya need to find proper spots, and there're lotsa risks involved - i.e. getting swept out. All in all, pretty educational.

So then the practical aspect came into being. Doing everything on shore was easy. Too easy. First was learning to 'catch waves'. Seemed pretty easy enough in theory. Not so in practice. 2nd was learning to stand. Once again, can do on shore, success rate takes a nosedive in water.
Pics pretty much explain how it went. Can't say it wasn't awfully painful and tiring, with half the ocean going up my nose/down my throat. But it was freakin fun. Least lookin back, it is. Managed to stand up twice so it wasn't that bad. Think surfing's all bout experience. you can only learn so much during lessons. Perhaps they should have a surfing module in NS... I should recommend on my first day eh? will discuss with my sergeant.

Played beach soccer with a few fellas after. Seemed awfully nice, and some o them were ARSENAL FANS. arright! talked bout all the new youngsters in the team. in fact, think we ended up talking more than playing, but its all good.
Sister was running.

So in the end it was a pretty good day. Dinner at this pancakes at paradise place. And they have 'all you can eat pancakes' at A$7.95, which is pretty decent. Record stood at 24 in an hour. seemed easy enough. thought i'd try it another day, and ordered chicken instead.. It was HUGE. could barely finish it.. and after that, i'd realised the pancakes could well be no less filling. so i'll keep my distance.

Damn, another night.. Ah well, lets go through hell again.

downunderday1

2006-12-08T13:13:00.000+08:00

its the 8th and lest i forget stuff that happened on the trip, I decided to blog the daily highlights

Current State : Access to internet ( at $100 a week ), but no msn, no limewire, probably no isketch.net. Improper sleep, Huge Blisters. Tired. Lets Backtrack.

Plane trip was relatively alright. From the onset, I made the conscious effort to lower my expectations, though nothing could've really prepared me for what happened at the airport... I met... KC! omg. though we didn't talk or anything, it was really, well, funny. Then this dumbass relative of ours came along, and started running his mouth bout how Singapore was a communist state and what not. Much as I hate to admit it, I got pretty defensive. Puns and constant attempts at satire aside, mrbrown podcasts and smartass comments aside, Singapore really is an awfully nice place. Or perhaps I just hated the guy. Anyhow, some relatives are distant FOR A REASON.

that was the airport, and we were off.
Emirates. Forgot the flight no. tho
Finally managed to sympathise n empathise with matthew. Damn, plane flights are boring.
Thank goodness for the office and my book, which isn't all too interesting.
Window seat so i kept to myself and the limited scenery. No toilet for 8 hours. Food was surprisingly nice. Then again, when NS nears, everything's surprisingly nice..
So anyhow, pretty much uneventful flight. Except for this cricket team that was making a whole lotta noise. didn't really annoy me tho.
check out at the airport was freakin long.. lotsa queues and stuff. hope it won't be so bad when we get back. All this while, I was still clueless as to what we were going there to do, or at least what I had planned ahead. Flying blind ain't all that fun.
So we left the airport, and got into a cab.. guy warned us it'd be a tad far to the hotel, kinda what we were expecting. But come on, A$180 for taxi fare isn't reasonable by any means in any part of the world. Ah well, bad start financially.
Least the hotel, which we eventually found, looked promising' Courtyard by Marriot.
Room no. : 2912 (first 2 = floor no. , last 2 = room no. )
Funnily enough, the people here are awfully superstitious. There's no 13th floor in the hotel, and there're no room 13s. does the lack of bad luck imply the lack of good luck?
Room Did not disappoint. HUGE. I made a HUGE mistake too in choosing my bed, but ah well. good training for NS i suppose..

Didn't really feel in the mood to do anything so i decided to stay in while my sister and father set off to the campus. After some rest, left to check out the facilities. Miserable swimming pool, but impressive looking grass tennis court. Gym looked decent at first, but when i went in, realised mosta the equipment wasn't in functional order. Gym first, then went running along the beach after. Beach's 2 minutes from the hotel btw, which is wonderful.
Found out we could learn surfing, and my itenary for day 2 was set'
bought subway for lunch btw, and for dinner, we went to this fast food joint. So far, not bad.

Night came, and i began to dread my very existence. damn this. 9 more nights.. i wanna die.

wierdintroductions

2006-12-04T20:03:00.000+08:00

i'm not one to observe proper, strict etiqutte, let alone advocate it but hey, theres a limit!
you don't go up to people you barely know and ask them if they have girlfriends, you don't ask them about their life and their ambitions and stuff. its just.. wrong. and it reflects poorly on yourself. I've had that experience today, and I found it well, funny. And whilst stifling my laughter, I tried to keep a straight face as I, surprisingly, made the effort to give honest replies. With almost no sarcasm at all. Thats a tremendous achievement.

And this got me thinking... its not a mere problem of etiquette. Its not just a few 'wierd people'. I think this is where elitism stems from. By no means am I saying that we shouldn't learn from others.. but heck, this desperation is uncalled for. What I'm asking for is a decent amount of discretion. And assuming that such discretion is present in these individuals, that could only mean one thing. Their burning desire to idolise overcomes all else. All this talk bout elitism is pretty much nothing more than rhetoric. If anything, those at the 'bottom' PUT themselves there, more often than not. A system of elitism is maintained by those at the bottom, who willingly idolise those at the top. Wee Shu min wouldn't have recieved so much 'attention' were she not an RJ student, bearing testimony to the irony intrinsic to the whole fiasco. Its sad really,
so stopping short of taking a page out of her book, by recommending you to get out of my elite uncaring face, I'd just like to issue a friendly caution to potential 'kancheong' people. Stop, think and be objective. You're no different from everyone else. Do away with this defeatist mentality.

Anyhow, I saw the humor in it. Lets keep things light yea?
For all you know, he did too, and that was his intention. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt then.

Do you have any girlfriends?

deprived

2006-12-04T10:33:00.000+08:00

and depraved..
not a good combination.
I'm sorry, but frankly, i don't give a rat's ass. Honest. And that should translate into mutual indifference if you ask me. And if it doesnt, well then all the more reason.
I'm just pissed that you acted equally stupidly. Learn.

Well, anyway, I'm quite.. well.. indifferent today.
Its been bad.
The more I think about it, the more pissed I am with the singapore marathon.
Its just damn unfair.
no revalation there..
don't know if i should keep hoping. and keep working towards something thats possibly nothing.
consecutive sleepless nights must mean something..
full of hate. I wanna get into a fight, and get beaten up badly, but not sustain any serious injuries. that'd be fun i think. and good experience. can put it on your cv.

Why does everything have to be so damn objective. I guess thats the downside of studying, and appreciating, econs. And well, its the down side of having common sense. a disease if you ask me. If its so darn common whats the point? can't we just share? what happened to bloody comparative advantage. Poor ricardo. Everyone just refuses to listen. One would think that this'd be a bad year for econs, seeing as how 2 of the GREATEST minds died. I think if anything, its a boon. Notice how economists only get taken seriously after they're six feet under? just as how artists' paintings skyrocket in value after they've passed. RIP friedman and galbraith.

Back tothe point. The crux of the issue. I'm deprived. that settles it.
either that, or i've just got too much time on my hands. And i'm not appreciating what's around me. Heck, i think the latter's bull. If things're good, I'd appreciate them. If I'm not 'appreciating' my present, it means things aren't freakin worthy of appreciation. I hate how children are taught to be content. I hate how conformity's a central tenet of our society.
Its the fear that sparks hate. For logically, even in a conformist society there'd be rebels, individuals.
Conformists'd be happy, living mindlessly, and individuals'd be happy, realising how moronic their counterparts are.
Its the fear of change, of a lack of assurance.
And contrary to popular belief, with admittance, with acceptance, comes nothing. Not a damned thing. What relief?
Thats bull.
Its about time things change. For the better. Some days are good, some days are bad.

This is no different from your income disparity problem. Extrapolate your past and you've got a fluctuating emotion trend to work with, one that represents, albeit vaguely, your future. Now comes measures. Mental intervention.
no philosophies, no ideologies. no bloody nonsense about monetarism and keynesian belief. thats all crap.
no psychologists, no psychiatrists, no yoga rubbish and nothing of the sort.
This is clinical here.
Work it out on your own.
For everyone is capable of getting themselves into problems, just as they are of getting themselves out.

You are only as sad/happy/angry as you want to be.

At least thats what you think

godofwar

2006-12-03T22:47:00.000+08:00

such a depressing show.. 'least the half of it that i watched.
thats not to say it isn't a good one.
' and who's going to inherit this world? Arms dealers. Cus everyone else'd be too busy killing themselves. So thats the secret. Never go to war, especially not with yourself.'

Dang, I needta watch it again.

anyhow, just wanted to post this to quote from god of war. I think its a really powerful movie.

Benevolence just doesn't cut it for me. I think it all worked out. I don't regret this decision, to be honest. For its not so clear - its not black or white. When your opp cost is so vague, regret'd be hard to come by. I do regret a host of other things i've done, in today itself. Rather, I regret raising my expectations. I need to keep emotions in check. To learn to deal with disappointment, rejection. Even on small scales. I think thats one of my biggest flaws. Biggest setback. And i needta gettit corrected. For if I falter at a crucial moment, I'd see my future becoming undone.

'least i've got the first stage right.
onus is on myself.

Self pity as a birthday present.

friendsromanscountrymen

2006-12-03T11:58:00.000+08:00

lend me your goddamned ears.

run today was quite wierd.
felt extremely tired. throughout.
yet the timing didn't reflect my effort.
it sucks
but 'least made new friends there.
so it ain't too bad.

Talking bout friends, I'd like to dedicate this post to my classmates. Regardless of how segmented our class is, I for one appreciate it. s12, with all its idiosyncrasies, will always occupy a space, forcefully or not, in my memories. And though we may complain that the old was far better than the new, credit should be given to the new for making the old seem, well, gold. Optimism's the flavour of the day. So thank you. each and every one of you. I hope you all have the time of your lives today. I hope ahmad connects his mp3 player to the sound system of the ballroom, and chinmaya does his magic tricks. I hope kc spews his vulgarities as usual, and the girls keep to themselves. I hope the old s12, albeit segmented thanks to me I suppose, will stay together, giving us all hope. For no matter how much i hated and suffered, it is inevitably a part of me. The same way a free bird inevitably longs for its cage.

Have the time of your lives people. You deserve it. For being a part of my life, though more often than not apart, I cannot thank you enough. Its not in my place to rain on your parade, although clearly my intentions are not nearly as noble. I'm salvaging whats left of me.

Don't think of our class as a mere coincidence. Don't view classmates as individuals whom you had the misfortune of being assosciated with. Its so much more. Classes, PW groupings, they test one's ability to make the best of things. To efficiently utilise resources at hand to work miracles. Thats what we're about. Noone realised it. A well-oiled machine that runs on the basis of Nash's fundamental principle. It seems selfishness came naturally to each and every one of us, and that worked to the greater good.

We were never your typical united class. We never 'hung out' after school, our lunches were often consumed in cliques, and class outings meant miserable turnouts. But that doesn't mean it wasn't special. Anyone could complain about how useless our class was. I've been doing that since March. Anyone can dream of perfection and spit on reality. Thats pretty much fuelled my spite and anger. But, well, the benefit of hindsight's awfully useful. Chances are, I'll miss mosta you sometime in the future. Although, given the chance, i'd keep things the same. Thats how stubborn I am.
Given the chance, I'd keep our original class as it was. Thats how unrepentant I am.
Given the chance, I'd make no changes. Thats how lazy I am.

For a single change'd have a million consequences. I'm just too tired.

As it is, rejoice. Revel. It is time.

Its our night. Its your night.

ekonomiccents

2006-12-01T20:41:00.000+08:00

this world is once screwed up place. and it'd take an economist to tell you that.

lets talk drugs. it seems that lotsa it has been exchanging hands ever since the chinese were 'forced' to import opium. now, in my opinion, people trading drugs are doing nothing more than earning an honest living. Similarly, tobacco companies aren't the idiots polluting the world. So why is it that drug dealers go to jail? Does it make sense?
Ultimately, the general consensus ( amongst the sane, sober, non-high part of the world at least ) is that drugs are bad. Ok, accepted. So optimum consumption level = 0. Logically, the only way to achieve this would be to reduce Demand to 0. Say's law ( which doesn't make any sense anyhow ) aside, this would be near impossible, unless education and what not are 100% successful, or all those drug takers decide to get brains. So hmm, how the heck would reducing supply ( catching drug dealers ) solve the problem? Everyone knows, reducing supply doesn't reduce demand. If anything, reducing supply'd mean a shortage, and in the world of drugs, the invisible hand works in tandem with guns and rifles and pistols on the street, with innocents on the recieving end, more often than not.
Drug dealers are no different than tobacco companies, or coffee shop 'uncles'. So the goods they distribute are a tad more dangerous. Big deal. it'd be myopic to presume that eliminating supply'd be tantamount to nipping the problem in the bud. far from it.
And i believe this is no revalation. its an open secret. governments know it. its just a tad too much work, a bit too tough to find real solutions. So they come up with bogus statistics to champion their claims, and get the public on their side.
A lil more honesty please, 'least for those of us who give a damn.

well, lets not talk bout holland if you will.

and smoking's a whole 'nother issue. I don't really understand why people smoke...
allow me to list a couple of plausible reasons from your typical idiotsmoker:
1. Cus its percieved to be cool.
2. Cus he/she asked me to do it.
3. Cus it helps me lose weight.
4. Cus i've just got too much damn cash.
5. Cus i'm collecting all those cool pictures on those cigarette packs. Have you watched saw 3 btw?
6. Cus i'd like to die, but before i do, i'd like to annoy every single innocent passer-by on the street as I shorten their lives as well.
7. Cus it helps me relieve stress.
8. Cus it keeps me warm
9. Cus i can't afford food.

Well, notice how sympathy inevitably seeped in. Unless you fall into the last 2 categories, you can consider yourself an inconsiderate fool in my book.

now that i've got that off my chest,
I'd like to thank tobacco companies for making so much money off these people.

i'm in a - easily piss offable mood. I don't know why. And i think i'm sick. and i really don't appreciate having that pointed out to me. and some total IDIOT called me on my hp, and he started saying I don't SOUND SINGAPOREAN. I don't know why, but that got me real pissed. And disoriented at that. BAH.

forget it.

itsnotyouitsme

2006-11-30T22:25:00.000+08:00

I've never thought bout you, never longed for you, never missed you.
It was an ideal that plagued my mind all along.
Thinking bout magical moments, never shared between us.
Of situations, not thought up, but witnessed.
It was me fitting you in to this template that I had already created.
And i know thats wrong. but i guess it took me this long to figure it out.
Thanks for pointing it out.
but i'd still want everything back. and thats how sad it is.

ah well, i'm fine. and so are you, so things've worked out, though in economic terms, far from efficient.

Saturday's coming up.
My avoidance of 'seemingly important' events may be nothing more than fear of disappointment. My decision not to go for prom, for instance, may have arisen from my realisation that my expectations'd not be met. and the resulting void'd be intolerable. Of course, a few other factors SEALED THE DEAL. needn't be mentioned.
As is the case with birthdays.
but then again, whats the issue here? what are my expectations?
I guess thats the scary part.
Perhaps they're too big, too incomprehensible, too outof this world and irrational.
and hence all the subsequent reactionary measures.
Ah well, i'll have fun.
I will.

3rd.
Hope i do well.

I don't really get the 'itsnotyouitsme' argument.
it just doesn't make sense.
If things were going fine, and suddenly they're not, clearly the one for whom things are not going right has the right to blame the other party, no?
It just makes sense that way.
The fault lies on the oblivious, ignorant individual who's perfectly fine with things as they are.
For was it not that person who catalysed, be it by action ( or just as well, inaction ) the uncertainty within the other?
It may not be fair, but it makes sense.
So next time, just say its YOU.
Fault where blame is due.

so, for now, i'll just wait.
its not you. its me.

belittle.

2006-11-29T19:07:00.000+08:00

thats what movies do best.. our lives, our experiences, our very existence.
it seems all movies serve to depress. in one way or another.
or maybe its just me.

still wanna watch saw 3 though. haha.

lost all my contacts, and i'm beginning to think its a good thing. would've messaged you by now, had i not lost my phone, and it'd have just carried on. i guess this is what drug addicts feel like when they're trying to kick the habit. sooner or later, they'll reach a point whereby they feel so unmotivated, and realise everything's meaningless. So what difference'd it make?
And stragely enough, even a perfectly healthy, sane person'd be hard pressed to find a satisfactory answer. i guess we always avoid these such questions by bringing up family, friends, loved ones. intangibles. relationships. bonds. and thats supposed to put an end to everything, no more argument. well, i guess it doesn't apply in every case now does it.
Perhaps, its a matter of keeping one's head up. Of never forgetting the ultimate goal, or perhaps realising the checkpoints. When things become so meaningless, remember that its just the downside of a path that leads somewhere. Heck, it may not be true but thats besides the point.
I guess thats essentially how one 'carries on'.
And never, never adopt a 3rd person perspective when attempting to appreciate one's present.

Nah, I'm not depressed, I'm indifferent. flavour of the day. and thats scary..
I need to feel. target practice please.
for now i'll just have my superficial self for company.
any deeper, and all meaning is lost.

stick to the surface.

nextpaper

2006-11-28T16:46:00.000+08:00

its on the 11th.
venue's pretty far from my house so i'd better leave early.
funnily enough, school uniform isn't required, but how you dress apparently has a bearing on your performance, and end result.
The instruments required are quite amusing. Of what use would coat-hangers be one has to wonder.
I guess everything has its purpose, its reason.

Parents are encouraged to accompany their children to the examination venue, and will then be briefed on what their children will be going through. Despite realising that we do live in an inequal world, I was quite unhappy as to how 'child' was replaced with son. Feminists around the world would probably echo my sentiments. vice versa. The act of encouraging one's parents to witness the plans that have been made for their child seems interesting at first, and disturbing upon further understanding. For this is merely a sign of reassurance, that the future generations will not be mishandled, nor will the parents' investments be in any way diminshed in value. And it is quite clear, that the need for reassurance hints at a disturbing truth, one that needn't be pointed out explicitly.

Of course, pessimism will get you nowhere in this exam, nor will intellect apparently. At least not for the first phase. Have I forgotten to mention? This is a peculiar exam that needn't be completed in one sitting. More strangely though, is the duration for which it lasts. 2 years for some, and more for others. Open book and everything. You even get to return home on specified weekends, an opportunity to reenergise and revitalise. And of course, cheat.
However, cheating is strictly prohibited. although, it is quite unclear as to what is/is not allowed. While you must, at all times turn your handphones to silent mode, not every issue is black/white, with grey areas abound. However, one thing is for sure. Whatever the invigilator says, goes. No questions asked.

don't forget to bring along proper identification and your entry proof. Any unauthorised materials found in your possesion will disqualify you immediately, and there will be severe repercussions. I, for one, wouldn't want to test the system.

Whatever you do, don't forget....... to write your calculator model at the bottom right hand corner of the cover page.

keyboard

2006-11-28T02:16:00.000+08:00

woo, lotsa new stuff.
new keyboard n mouse, new speakers, new handphone, sis gotta new laptop.
oh and on a more trivial note, new house phone.
went to courts today. thats how i celebrated the END of the exams. by going to courts, with my father and my sister. its cool okay.
but it was fun. tho i couldn't pick out a handphone pouch.
and dangit, my phone's a fingerprint magnet. hope the surface becomes less, well, magnetic with time.
but its awfully nice. don't really know if its an improvement tho. am just glad i'm sufficiently, decently connected to the world. tho the connection's now pretty much one way. lost all ALL my contacts.
and some freakin lame person who shall not be named told me to wear glasses.

needta get the handrest thing for my keyboard. feels so awkward. supposed to be some ergonomic design crap. qwerty keyboards are supposedly known to slow down typing speeds. reason they became so popular's prob because some dyslexic fella decided to go into the keyboard producing business. either that or some entreprenuer fella who dropped outta high school ( don't they all ) decided to try his luck. hmm, its a mystery. i'll get used to it.
office 2003 as well. don't really know how its diff from XP. have yet to explore, although i'm not one to bother bout the details unless they bother me so o well.

POST EXAMS!
gotta find stuff to do.
think i should start playing a computer game.. maybe install it on my sister's com and bring it to AUS. but i'm soo out of touch with that old parto myself that i don't think i could bring myself to commit to some mindless hack and slash title for more than a minute. strategy games are becoming increasingly similarly mindless.

i've yet to understand the rationale of games being made more real. Are people really sadistic by nature? why else would FPSs be made so darn realistic? and what the heck's the purpose of GAMES if they're gonna get so real? Aren't they supposed to be an escape? an out?
perhaps gamers now demand more. more than just an out, they want a substitute. they want some sense of satisfaction. an alternate reality. that seems so real, it'd well serve as a substitute for their mundane, less that satisfactory lives. they're able to live vicariously through the characters they control, leaving their less than average forms, and for a moment or so experience 'nirvana'. sitting under that oak tree with a laptop.

this is not ma thing. i'm just too tired. Thats not to say i don't have an active imagination. heck, i surprise myself sometimes. its just that video games are a stupid out. an out is something thats unique, thats specific. doing something that millions of other, presumably like-minded drones out there do is no out. its just conformity. caveat - i do not regard blogging as an out mind you.

and whats with this out business. if the worlds such a stinky place, leave and don't come back. chances are, if it means so little to you, you probably mean as much to it.

oh well, its 2.23. my block no.
no nice shows on really. this stupid soap's on, and i'm too disgusted to turn around, walk/roll on my computer chair to the tv and change the channel. hence the decision to post something mindless.

well, not totally mindless perhaps. if anything, this post's helping my get accumstomed to my keyboard.

NS. doesn't seem a whole lotta fun from the outset. and all the horrible stuff i'm hearing's makingme quite cynical, honestly. Don't know what mindset I should adopt. Optimism - only to be let down. Pessimism - only to have your worries realised, missing out on the few good points.
hope to make friends tho. Guess I should see a few familiar faces. and its quite clear that in NS, anything goes. everything goes.

training this thursday. 3.30. can't wait. haha. hope i get up early. maybe make a trip to mac.
gotta prepare for sun. do what i can.
i'm looking forward to it.
nice vest.

ah well, its nearing 2.30. hope theres something nice on nickelodeon or 33 that i can sleep to.
o wonderful day.

good morning

yes

2006-11-27T18:51:00.000+08:00

well, its over.
and about time too.
thank you

the story of little red running shorts.
Once upon a time there lived this lil girl who wore little red running shorts, hence the name. She went to visit her grandmother who lived in the forest. A big bad wolf tricked her by changing the signs, so she had to take a detour. But she ran so fast that she eventually got there before the wolf. The end.

well, that was disturbing. but i found it quite funny.. gotta go find the book again.

needta get a new keyboard and mouse. don'treally know what happened to the old one(s). Thats the problem of getting them as a set - think the sensor got spoilt, so all gone.
hmm,
going to courts in bout 30min.

got a new z610i, though i couldn't really enjoy it till today, ad can't fully enjoy it till tomm, cus the sim card isn't activated yet.
ah well,
I'm not complaining'

exams make me happy...
when they end.

happy.

new

2006-11-23T22:48:00.000+08:00

pregnant ladies and spywork just don't go together. don't know what the directors of alias were thinking.

anyhow, watched casino royale today. was okay i suppose. think i pissed a few people off at the cinema. all the better then.
*sigh. hope econs s will be alright.. am trying to prepare myself.
ah well, can't wait.

galbraith died at the age of 97, friedman at the age of 94. both this year. it seems economists have a long life expectancy ( as opposed to double Os, apparently). So lesson learnt. study econs.

oh btw, lost my phone. was about time.

edit

2006-11-22T18:14:00.000+08:00

and we're down to one..

i think its more than just being done with the specific paper.. I need to just start not doing anything. start stopping. I'm just about done. with everything. and i'm getting jaded. at least as long as i think I am. Thank goodness its econs. For never before have i craved argument as much.
I'll be damned if i end up in a laboratory one day.

don't really know why some of my 'i's are in caps whilst the rest are not.. stop being so anal.

really hope i don't start using vulgarities once i enlist. its not about the verbal abuse. heck, if that bothered me i'd be in alot of trouble. Its about principle.
and its psychological really. Vulgarities are meant to excite, to stimulate. Its like ending every sentence with an exclamation mark. Its tiring. I'd prefer my conversations have a calm tone.
Vulgarities result in negative externalities.
just like those damn smokers.

I'm really worried for you.. Read today that some girls refuse to give up smoking cus they're afraid to put on weight. I know you shouldn't fall in this category, but then again i 'knew' alotta things about you that never materialised. I'm tempted to quote that article in a continuation to our age-old argument, but i'm just too tired. Its getting pretty one-way and i do realise it. I'm not stupid. I just hope you don't let yourself down.

I hope i don't either.

psuedo-over

2006-11-17T19:30:00.000+08:00

but hey, we all know it ain't over till its over.
fat lady's boutta sing soon.

time for a few lame puns.
there'll be no more MOMENTS(Nm) like these..
and all the CHEMISTRY we had's fading..
in ADDITION, we can't COUNT on each other anymore..

notice nothing related to econs. well, its still very much on.

i'm sorry, but i know things aren't going to end well between us.
oh well, they started equally stupidly..

more often than not, its not the person that you fall in love with but an ideal. self-delusion at its best. and you psychologically force yourself to envision everything you wish for in the physical form of a poor innocent victim. a tragedy that leads to mutual disappointment. but i guess thats what many people confuse love for. then what the hell is love?
well, who knows.
one thing's for sure - i don't.
'least i'm honest.
and thats gonna be my excuse for a long time.

looking forward to:
new boots,
going to macritchie tomm,
truly experiencing examless-ness,
not going to prom,
going for standard chartered,
going to australia(well, maybe)

oh yea, R.I.P milton friedman. Respect.

another day.

brokensoul

2006-11-04T20:30:00.000+08:00

sprained my ankle maybe.
its been bad.
screwed up.

longrun

2006-10-30T22:19:00.000+08:00

don't keep your distance.
you'll miss the details.

its coming. and yea, i'd say it but its been said.

*sigh. moods are everything. emotions are like prices on a stock market. wildly fluctuating, sometimes for no reason whatsoever. and then when you have bubbles, you're in for it. cus they're bound to burst sooner or later. speculative nature of the soul's as such. self destructive. thats what happens when your conscious mind conflicts with your subconscious.
you should know better.
you're waging a war against too overwhelming an opponent.
a david - goliath battle without the warped ending.

then again, giving in's not in our nature. never was, never will be.

there's just no way out.. people who commit too easily're deemed rash
those who give in to quickly're deemed quitters
those who never give up're deemed stupid. ( apparently you're supposed to know when to quit, except for times when you're never supposed to give up. and yea, you're supposed to be able to differentiate between various circumstances that call for these different approaches )
those who are nice to others're greeted with hostility and scepticism.
those who're mean are just plain hated.
those who go far are deemed over-achievers. and bitched about.
those who don't make it are failures.
those whom're rich are despised.
those have nots are mocked for their bad luck/laziness. ( apparently having bad luck is one's own fault )

guess you've noticed, pessimism's in.

sometimes its so much better to miss than to know you've nothing to miss.
to know that your past has been great. to long for it. to be able to experience nostalgia. as opposed to realising that everything's changed and its all gone.
that everything's changing and the here and now is temporary.
that nothing's ever a constant. and everything'll be missed sooner or later, but everything that's missed is no longer existent.. hence the inability to comprehend the concept of missing someone.
there're different degrees i guess. the concept of nostalgia's - in my opinion at least, based on my experiences - longing for the past, and in a sense longing for someone/something. that is to say that you'd want that person back/ that thing back/ those times, those friends, those memories to stay with you forever. what if you knew that even if you had that person back, she'll be a changed person? or that your friends just aren't as friendly anymore? that all those attempts at reunions result in no more than less-than-acceptable attendences, meetings punctuated by awkward silences -testimony to the divide time has sought to create? its too much to comprehend then, hence our ability to only remember the good. the soccer matches. the times you were there for me. the times there was an us. and thinking bout the complications seems beyond us. our incapacity to factor in this sense of depreciation over the years/months only fuels our desire to recreate the past.. its a self-created fairytale that's surprisingly destructive..
but what's worse is realising there's no happy ending.

so lets choose our story,
and lets colour the pictures.
and lets leave that uncertainty in the deepest recesses of our mind,
never to be revisited nor explored in greater depth.

never underestimate the power of the human spirit. and the ingenuity of the human mind.
necessity is the mother of invention.
you'd think the truth'd be hard to find, and that lies're built to block the path. that we're all on this benevolent altruistic subconscious journey to 'discover the ultimate truth'. that deep down, we're alright.

how bout a situation whereby the truth's just too plain and simple for us to comprehend. that we've been inadvertently coloring our life, imposing on it an artificial scheme of things that, in bringing life to existence, have taken existence away from life.
we don't deserve to be called animals. we're too frivolous for that.
what existence? life's become a game. fun for some, repetitive for most.
no different from your ps2 titles.
ironically, recently there've been presistent calls to make games more realistic.
game producers have responded. as have our minds.
lines're becoming blurred.

don't walk down this path.
its a shortcut to the end.
and in the game of life, its pretty hard to get more credits.

1shot.
play on.

timeslikethese

2006-10-28T22:37:00.000+08:00

630
snooze
639
snooze
648
snooze
657
company.solace.
conscious. alive.
interrupted, though undisturbed.
routine restored.
snooze
700
defeat.
confusion and chaos.
its a new day.

740
order restored.
purpose achieved.

745
idiot smoker at bus-stop.
pissed.
thought about you. more pissed.
thought bout lungs becoming contaminated hence inability to run. more pissed.
thought bout how i missed the 852. more pissed.
157. relief.
smoker came aboard with me + no seats.

820
lonely.
took a stupid locker with a broken key. confused, pissed, although i did see the humor in it.

840
still quite lonely.
reminded of how friends are lazy. nostalgic.
warm up.
saw nj canoeists. they recognised me and i recognised them - though apparently acting 'cool' was of higher priority than fostering friendships. nonchalant.

850
ego-stimulated fast start.
tired.
happy.

~
saw mr quek, and some familiar rj faces. not a single nj one mind you, save jia hui who was training with rv so not counted.
slopes were merciful today. felt good. worried that i wasn't working.
didn't meet alotta ppl.

~
arrived at the conclusion that there must've been some corporate event. thought bout lotsa stuff - like how it'd be really hard to organise the logistics, and how ppl'd cheat, and how cheating may be justified at times, and whether its easy to cheat at macritchie.
momentum was kept quite well, esp at the transitions.
still, didn't see anyone throughout the mid-portion.
quite sad.
felt good though, once again worried that timing may explain why.

~
made it through feeling relatively alot better than last week. surprised.
generally uneventful. slopes came sooner than expected throughout.
mind tended to drift alot today.

~
ending.. soon..
saw some old indian man towards the end. indians always stare at each other.. and i guess its cus its such a small community that the likelihood its a familiar face we're looking at is quite high.
over the hill, and its a lil more.
still noone. was quite disappointed bout that.
end.
timing was better than last week.. kinda expected.
saw atiqi in the toilet with his shades. quite a surprise.. and he was just starting to train.. - was quite hot

~
saw jia hui at the cafe aft cool down
saw mok, talked to him for a bit. we've both realised a levels are a week away.
sat with jia hui and her friends.
listened as they talked bout some random stuff.
forced smiles, awkward moments.
i was in my element.
experimenting, observing.
spectator turned player.
made new friends.
happy.
ran after 156. caught it

11.20
should've brought a sweater.
got a really small seat. was comfortable though.
lotsa distractions.
work.
cold.

12.30
colder

1.05
confused, pissed that you didn't reply.
unsure of my motives, regretted my actions.
wanted so much to leave.
quadro pop.

1.30
on the verge of planning my escape. plans foiled.
disappointed, pissed, confused, annoyed.
more annoyed than anything.
cornered.

2.00
regret.
time was dragging its feet as it stumbled past.
and i was desperate for an out.

2.30
solace. long train ride home.
set record for quadro pop. quite happy.
annoying people on train occupying significant portions of my space. big people should have to pay more taxes..

3.30
grim adventures of bill and mandy.
realised what 'children' are exposed to, realised i'm becoming old in realising these kinda things.
tired as heck.

5.45
disoriented, uncomfortable.
felt quite annoyed.

10.20
cryptic blogging.
annoying myself.

11.00
arsenal's down 1-0.

been thinkin bout you.

Caveatlector

2006-10-25T21:41:00.000+08:00

i don't really know what you're doing reading my blog honestly. i barely know you, and i think its not right that you form conclusions based on what you read here.
heck, i wouldn't be bothered if you thought lowly of me based on whatever you've read, but could you just have the decency to make sure it doesn't affect me in any way?
i've stated time and again that I'm not to be held accountable for what i write, that this blog is more often than not a poor representation of who I am, and that only fools'd act on such unreliable information.

Think what you will, but i don't wanna hear of it.

What i've written may mean the world to me or it may just as well mean nothing.. The last thing i'd wanna do is revisit such places. Had just that experience today, and i realised that i don't like it.
What i told you was right - i may not be sure of mosta my emotions, but i've got anger sorted out pretty well. and perhaps it was my focus and fixation on anger that drew me away from the rest, that is assuming there are other emotions worthy of concern.

Anger and happiness. I've gained sufficient understanding on anger, and well, i appreciate happiness. frivolous joy.

but back to the point. I'm quite pissed ( there you go, anger once again ), at having realised how foolish i was. I took for granted the discretion of the general public. Having wierd people read your blog, i can safely attest, is more disturbing than flattering - not least when it impacts your life in wierd ways.

Read if you must, just don'tbe foolish enough to act solely on such information.
and if you're wondering, thats why i have to leave out names. but sometimes.. its just so impossible to stick to the script.
and apparently i'm not allowed that opportunity to express myself openly.
oh well, freedom's all a matter of perception i guess.

thanks for screwing things up.

well, thrust into this self-created chaos, i've realised that thinking bout such immaterial stuff can often yield more harm than good. its pointless really. if anything, emotions are on one end of the spectrum, reason on the other. don't confuse the two. sometimes, you feel sad BECAUSE you feel sad. and lets just leave it at that. when you start analysing possible reasons why you're feeling down, thats just stupidity at its best - you're opening yourself up to further potential depression.
Just as when you're happy, and then - being the smart ass - you adopt a macro perspective of your life and realise you haven't accomplished nearly as much as the next guy and then what?

a lot of good thinking does eh.

so sometimes, its just prudent to move on with your head down, brace for impact yet don't lose momentum. its going to come soon, be ready for it. just resist your impulses, and move along.

we're all connected by 6 degrees apparently.. i'm beginning to envy those isolated tribes in africa. sometimes, its not good to know too many people.
I'll have to say, though, that i'm really grateful for all the NICE people i've met in NJ, without whom living'd be a tad more painful. as everyday drags on, its nice to be able to say hi to people around the school as lessons never seem to end. i'll forever miss that. the element of closeness. of blind trust, when i leave my bag in the granstand only too many times, returning to find NOTHING out of place.

People say NJ's a dull place. well, people haven't been here. and if they have, they haven't lived here. Its not about being an enthu councillor, or a constantly-chionging canoeist. its not bout being a sociopath, or a cool gang member. its not bout 'hanging out' at orchard, or some random place. NJ has its own idiosyncrasies. and everyone has his/her own connection to the school, to the thousand or so people who constitute it. contrary to popular belief, its not the school that makes the students. quite often, the converse is true. A school is more than just a place for learning. ( or a place for nurturing leaders of the future.. ). lets look past the propaganda.. and its down to basics. its a damn building. and its what you make of it. principals and teachers are not THE school. they're part of it, just as you and I are. if you think the teachers are lousy, the onus is on yourself to make the best of what you have. and then hey, when you graduate, you can go around telling people that DESPITE unfavourable circumstances you came out tops.
its all a matter of perspective.
and at the end of the day, its the long run that matters.
we break our lives down into multiple scenarios with mini-goals, be it subconsciously or actively.
just don't lose track of what you're ultimately aiming towards

there's not such thing as over-analysing.
just misplaced enthusiasm.

lets be economical with our emotions.
you don't deserve my hate.

nostalgia.inexcess.

2006-10-24T22:48:00.000+08:00

i like cartoons.
and its not some childish obsession. cartoons are more than just a form of entertainment, more than just a form of passing the time. meaningless plots and non-existent morals. no repercussions. and once the 30minutes are over, you've got something else equally meaningless to look forward to.

but then there're those awkward intervals in between. a break from the story gives the mind a chance to wander, for one so easily captivated by a cheap plot is equally likely to stray, given the lack of stimuli. and so it goes, down a path of worried thoughts and difficult memories. as much as it tries to circumvent all these obstacles in its way, inevitably it crashes.
thank goodness advertisements don't last that long then.

lotsa teens are addicted to tv. and believe you me, an addiction is nothing superficial. its not just bout watching shows, bout committing quotes, plots and celebrity birthdays to heart. ( tho i have to say i'll never understand that ). its about solace. about distraction, and more often than not, its about finding something thats lacking, or merely creating a substitute for it. a cheap substitute.

and its scary, having realised this, to finally know that the onus is upon yourself to walk down that path and find what you've been trying to make up for..
more often than not, the temptation to live this self-created lie's too much to overcome..
we all have our own matrixes, and we're all our own agents. and what's the point of pulling ourselves outta it? whats the point of thrusting ourselves into a world of uncertainty, of potential hurt and disappointment?

its because substitutes, no matter how real we make them out to be, never come close to the real thing.
its because once you've lived, truly lived, you'll never go back, for no substitute'll suffice.

so like i said, its your choice. its my choice.

living a lie's by no means a bad thing.. if anything it demonstrates ones creativity and mental prowess, albeit targetted at the 'wrong' things.

societal definitions, perceptions shouldn't matter. not to you.. but apparently they do..
everyone lives with different aims, different ambitions. not true - fundamentally everyone wants to be happy. and we define happiness differently. but we all just want to be happy.
so why complicate things?

if living a lie makes you happy, then i'll leave you be.
but i'm selfish.
and i can't see you like this.

I'm sorry if i've been a disturbance, but you entered my world just as i did yours.
and clearly, feelings are not as mutual as they should be for a safe relationship to be established.. they never are. nor will they ever be apparently. but then again, you lie.

I don't think I'm mature enough for anything. I'm purely fickle. pragmatic and materialistic. and i apply it to near every aspect of my life. and i am relying so desperately on time to bring with it something i just cannot see. perhaps it will blind me in certain ways. perhaps thats what maturity embodies.. its just killing the economist within. its about incapacitating your mental faculties.

so i'm better off right? for i'm clearly able, with my senses very much alive..
its better to see the down-trodden path leading nowhere thats been set out for you. its better to look, as you take it, the destruction, or perhaps the lack of anything. the loneliness. the solitude thats very much unappreciated. the paintings - frivolous, random, and to question why, but recieve no answers. to live with uncertainty thats self-created, and have no choice but to wait for your unrelenting memory to age, wither, and give in.

we all live in our own worlds. thanks for being a part of mine.

contagion

2006-10-24T21:08:00.000+08:00

opp cost of venturing further is the friendship forgone.. and the certainty thats been left behind.

irony: went to borders today to buy a book bout globalisation.. go figure.
but anyhow, today's been quite a bad day - hence the decision to post sth.
pretty unproductive i'd have to say.. and, well, empty.
i know its stupid but sometimes you can't help feeling lonely.. its quite disturbing really.
when everything fades into oblivion. pales in comparison to what seems so real.

what if you knew the outcome of a race before you ran it. it'd be pointless really, to merely live out your fate wouldn't it. well the prelim-alevel system, if its meant to be what it claims, is doing just that, except with a buffer of a few weeks to give you a chance to change the outcome.
a month isn't enough to train for a race. a month doesn't get nothing off your timing.
so hmm. reconsiderations are in order.

but honestly, i cannot CANNOT wait.. for it all to be over. and by it all i mean i wanna know what lies ahead for me.. i feel so helpless. so many 'ifs' before i can know how my next year will turn out, and where i'll be. I'm going to do everything within my power to get what i want.

absence makes the heart grow fonder? well too much makes it wander..
and too little suffocates it.

just goes to show how life's all bout balance.. this' beginnin to sound like some hl advert.

anyhow, notice how everyone keeps saying its the journey that matters and not the outcome? , well i can't freakin wait for this all to be over.
for endings are beginnings are they not?

i can't wait to start living.

continuity

2006-10-18T21:19:00.000+08:00

devanthas.. who tf is devanthas!? damn it, is my name that hard to spell?
if its a complicated name, all the more reason you'd better be alert in copyin it down innit.
pissed for the sake of being pissed.
heck, i can barely pronounce it the way its meant to be pronounced when i'm introducing myself to anyone who's not indian. so i guess noone does justice to it. least myself.

some funny interview tomm. hope it goes well

arsenal lost today. that sucks.

i don't really know why i smsed you.. maybe it was cus of that sleepless night, when getting to my phone and spilling my guts out was all i could think bout as i tossed and turned. stupid innit? ironically it was laziness that kept me from doing something presumably stupid. well, i guess i couldn't stand the day then. the damn last day of school.

was wondering why i didn't feel 'the way i was supposed to feel'
and this is what i told you/
other people've been just starting to 'miss' nj, their class, their friends, their cca.
i've been missing the nj i knew ever since the first 3 months ended. cus it was gone. you were gone.. 'us' was gone. track started going down the drain for me, as did the resta alotta things. class was gone. i miss you so much.

but maybe its just my materialistic instincts kicking in.. and thats what i'm afraid of. i've never really felt really strongly bout anyone before.. and now that i'm missing you, one would think that this'd be long overdue solace. a sense of vindication. i'm human.
but theres always that sneaky suspicion that this outpouring of 'emotions' is nothing more than my ever so uncanny sense of wanting what i can't have, and nothing more.
i don't want it to be that way. i want to know that i want you.. to know that i'm capable of feeling.
to be real.
i need that reassurance.

maybe thats why.. i'm not inhuman. as much as i'd like to believe that, nothing is more absolute than proof. history. and right now, my record's clean as a whistle.
unnerving.
i want everything back.
and hey, the ends justify the means.. no?

another day, another time. some other way.. always, isnt it.
procrastination's a disease.

You Give Me Something"You only stay with me in the morningYou only hold me when I sleepI was meant to tread the waterBut now I've gotten in too deepFor every piece of me that wants youAnother piece backs awayYou give me somethingThat makes me scared alrightThis could be nothing But I'm willing to give it a tryPlease give me somethingBecause someday I might know my heartYou only waited up for hoursJust to spend a little time alone with meAnd I can say I've never bought you flowersI can't work out what they meanI never thought that I'd love someoneThat was someone else's dreamYou give me somethingThat makes me scared alrightThis could be nothing But I'm willing to give it a tryPlease give me somethingBecause someday I might call you from my heartBut it might be a second too lateAnd the words that I could never sayAre gonna come out anywayYou give me somethingThat makes me scared alrightThis could be nothing But I'm willing to give it a tryPlease give me somethingYou give me somethingThat makes me scared alrightThis could be nothing But I'm willing to give it a tryPlease give me somethingBecause someday I might know my heartKnow my heart, know my heart, know my heart

everything i want to say to you and more.

lets go back.

lonelybeginnings

2006-10-13T22:32:00.000+08:00

its funny. i've never watched a single game of yours, yet everytime its hockey on 23 I impulsively switch channels. anything else.
an unrevisitable past. one that was non-existent to begin with.
funny.

but as with all good stories, impactful beginnings are a must. And thats how it all began. with light hearts and stolen glances.
oh how i crave those moments. anything to have another go. or at least to relive it.
I miss everything. every single time eye contact was made, every single time i felt humiliated in front of your friends.
and as much as it took, i stuck through it. even when you were so pissed off bout your cts.
bet you didn't know i was waiting for you that day.
but all i got was a weak, flat reply. one expressing your unwillingness to go out.
yet i saw you at the bus stop. with your friends. perhaps i just wasn't the company you desired. at that time. ever.
and that was the beginning of the end perhaps? or was it before?
i guess every relationship starts with an expiry date.
in our case, it was a matter of mutual unwillingness to extend that. i blame myself. perhaps my insecurity played a great deal. if i'm not sure of what i want, it goes to show that i'm not sure of myself.
i want so much to see you. to talk to you. to know that you've not changed, and you're everything i'm making you out to be. and more.
Hindsight's a luxury that's obviously never around when you need it. as is the case with you.
absence makes the heart grow fonder? understatement of the century.
i'm fickle.
half hearted replies.
so i guess i'm just play this game of chess without a partner.
for what's the diff eh? after all, the outcome's predetermined once the first move's been made. I'm white.
its disappointing really. for me at least. i think we would've been great. at the risk of sounding like a loser, i think things could've been different given a different point in time.
i don't think either of us was ever a hundred percent honest, but i'm finally coming clean. and this sneaky suspicion that you're still holding back more than you should troubles me. you're fueling my creativity in constructing what-if scenarios with your side of the story. not to say that the truth wouldn't hurt.
i think you just lost interest.
i think you made a mistake. and you realised the err in your ways, and sought to correct it.
I don't blame you. I'd do the same, given your position. ( but thats another story for another day).

Your cavalier attitude with my emotions is yet another attractive point about you. You're not artificial. you don't pretend to care. i'll give you credit for that at least.
but you don't know how i felt in maldives. and you never will.
For once i had actually missed someone that much. I've never felt that way before. ever. and it was so horrible that i longed to come back so much. not to my home, not to my family. to you.
but you didn't see it. and i couldn't tell it to you.
cus my first disappointment came in the form of your ignorance.negligence. you probably didn't even know if i was back.
faced with this scenario ever too often, it was a game of who could hold out longer.. and more often than not, i'm the pride-swallowing loser. and your reply sealed the deal. it was clear.
and that was rock bottom. or at least i thought that was rock bottom. till it really came.
you're all i thought bout on that island. seriously. you'll never have any idea of how much you meant to me, cus if you did, your conscience would haunt you. no matter what you say, you're a nice person. and cut the crap bout how we're not suitable for each other. you know its a lie and a weak excuse for your wavering feelings. for your changing tastes.

I don't blame you at all. as much as i'd like to, my rational side doesn't allow me to.. so i'll find my reasons. haven't seen you in an awfully long time. and as much as i'd like to, its that fear of seeing you a changed person that keeps me from venturing that far. then again, i sometimes think that you intentionally change yourself just to spite others. to spite me, during the brief time we spent together. you try to prove your point, but end up only contradicting yourself.
and you leave no room for error, cus you know i could never bring myself to win our arguments. I know i'm right. mutual stubborness. you hated my guts. you kept calling me 'traditional' and boring. whats the damn point of being a sociopath for namesake?
be yourself. and don't let others get the better of you.. i don't want to see you fall.
but i'm afraid..
i daren't say it.

equally impressive are the endings to most relationships.
what we had barely deserves that title.. from my point of view though, i believe its quite apt. for such ambiguity that characterised what we had could fall into no more specific a category. perhaps then it was nicely done, as i shuddered in the LT, realising the possible ramifications of our sms-conversation. and everything else seemed noise.
but that was the end.
a few meetings after that meant everything on my part and nothing on yours.
a few attempts to salvage what was shipwrecked and decomposed.
a few peeks into what was lost and forgotten.

yes,
i could have asked for no more suitable an ending.

and for that, i thank you.

fate

2006-10-11T21:07:00.000+08:00

dealt me a crushing blow.
or perhaps just a crush.

sigh. its just too long, and too draggy. i think i'm reading too much into things, but then again..
I don't know.
the prelude to beginnings, or even the mere perception of such a prospect is in itself already too tantalising to be taken seriously.
as with all such frivolous things then, it is only with due recklessness that we proceed.
I'm waiting for a reply.
on that'd probably never come. and even if it does, it will not be satisfactory. and even if it is, it wouldn't register. it wouldn't be believed. and even if it would, i'd screw everything up

problem with mind games is..

more often than not, you're just playing with yourself.

promiscuousgirl

2006-10-10T22:22:00.000+08:00

quit teasin.
i don't mind if i'm walking right into your trap. 'least it'd pass the time.
its always the ones whom you least suspect.
but hey, you've been on my mind the whole day so this must be somethin.
ah well, lets see. i don't know whats your game
but i'm in.

a levels soon.

its bout time.

and soon after,
we revel.

sad.

2006-10-05T23:06:00.000+08:00

i really miss you. and i don't know why.
i'm falling for my own trap. guess it was the amazing time i had during the pae. those first 3 months. when my world was round. and i was atop it all.
and when everything's gone, the knowing that you still exist is troubling.
cus i'm not doing everything in my power to right whats wrong. I'm not living without regrets. far from it. and that makes me wonder.. it musn't be mutual. this feeling.
a million possible scenarios and only one that seems feasible.

pragmatism makes no room for emotion. and its when your thought-processes become entangled with your hopes and fears that you suddenly lose faith in everything you've pieced together. your analysis suddenly loses integrity. therein lies that glimmer of hope. that beautiful what if that accelerates our otherwise mundane lives. that longing for another life that keeps our heads down as we desperately attempt to reach the next day.

i really miss you. and i'm not going to do anything about it.
not because i can't.

its out of fear that this dying glimmer of hope'll be reignited, that's led me to resign to this such self-created fate.

and it'll set my world alight. yet the warmth it brings is impossible to ignore.

i'll let distractions keep me company for the resta my winter.

coup.

2006-10-04T21:50:00.000+08:00

boston legal's damn nice.

days're passing by awfully fast, as are weeks, as months crawl past.
its coming, like it or not. as inevitable as the sunshine of tommorow.
lets all hope for an eclipse. unlikely. temporary at best.
just as is our relief. here and now, and never shall it last.
so its truly non-existent, for such is the forward looking nature of people. We are disallowed from experiencing any sense of peace, of calm, of sweet sweet relief, for the anxiety that forever accompanies the future always lingers prematurely in the here and now.

but complaining bout it does nothing. 'cept make you realise how stuck you are. Not dissimilar to the beauty of assymetric information. works only when everyone's ignorant.
Relatives.

Prelims.
Aftermath.
and unknowingly it is the eye of the next storm that we're charging towards, in search for solace. permanently shipwrecked.
Oh well, I guess it all works out. For finding land'd signal the end of our journey, our purpose, our place in the vast ocean, our existence.
Something to look forward to then.

Impossible is nothing. Adidas should advertise in exam halls.
its about time then, as the mood inevitably begins to seep in.
its about time.

no regrets.. right?

clarity.

2006-09-27T19:07:00.000+08:00

you don't grow more resilient. you just become more ignorant. more apathetic.
you don't become more independent. you just begin to stop caring.
you don't realise. you just become confused again.

i'm beginning to think i'm incapable of ever feeling anything consistently. don't know if any bonds can stand the test of time.
thats the difference between infactuations and the real deal i guess.
i've been cheated only too many times.
and the sweet scent of the past always lingers, penetrating the stench of the present always.
which is why, i've realised, you're truly irreplacable. cus you'll never come back. and if you do, it won't be you. it won't be the you I miss. cus the you i miss wouldn't. and thats perhaps why I miss you so.
its about wanting what you can't get. and about taking for granted what you already have.
i'm not confused. right now, i'm just apathetic. completely and totally. i just want to get on with my life. i want my friends. i want normalcy. for when chaos is everpresent, boredom is sought after ever so much. but then again, chaos becomes boring..
i guess thats the problem.. everything becomes boring after awhile. once anxiety dies down, 'clarity' is achieved and flaws are realised. perhaps thats why.
hmm.

and for those miserable few who read this blog, i don't really know what your motives are. just do realise that what you're reading may be a poor representation whats going on in my life. caveat emptor.(in the context of reader-writer that is)

i'm not writing for you or for anyone.

I hate how everyone's already 'studying', or rather claiming to. such a mood dampener.. haha. and just when i'm feeling like going to town. so i guess i've just got to get with the programme.

i'm terribly scared about my injury. i guess that served as a catalyst in my achieving clarity. In the moment of crises, take note of whom you remember and whom you forget. For then can you truly know how you prioritise your friends/loved ones. and it made me realise quite alot of things i suppose.. for one, macritchie can be quite a cold and lonely place even when all your friends are around.. especially when all your friends are around...

I don't need your condescension.
save it.

so yea. nie biathlon this sat
i'll focus on that.

please work.

misconstrued.

2006-09-25T23:38:00.000+08:00

hey gw, its really nice to hear from you.
really.
i guess when so many things're changing, your past becomes all too attractive.
face it, we're creatures of habit. change, no matter the kind, inevitably stirs up a sense of unrest in each and every one of us. its the ability to deal with this unrest that distinguishes the ignorant from the concerned.
and no, don't believe everything you hear.
i really look forward to meeting you soon, and i hope it won't be in NS haha.

watched singapore dreaming today, and yea, prelims are officially OVER. :)
singapore dreaming's a damn depressing show that doesn't really have any meaning. i'm quite upset. and more than just at the wasted $7.

hmm. thought alot bout alot of stuff today. i guess its better to preoccupy yourself with issues pertaining to the world and millions of people than concerns of your own private life. either way, solutions are hard to come by. but when its the latter to which you can't find solutions, you realise how screwed you are. our lives aren't meant to be puzzles to be solved. they're meant to be lived. its ironic how people claim to dedicate their lives to the search of 'the meaning of life'. stop screwing with yourself.

and when you want things for others, when you want your family, your friends to be happy, and when you plan your life around them, it doesn't mean you're not being selfish. you just have different needs. we all have different needs.
Compassion is primal instinct reinvented.
We're all animals in a different jungle. we live in social groups now, and 'caring' for one another basically means we have vested interest in our immediate family. everyone is there for a reason and we are fully aware of their individual roles in our lives, as we seek to exploit and fully maximise the gains we may recieve.
Its a different scenario, same game, same players. weaker ones aren't killed now, they just undergo hardships. they're kept alive, but just barely. merely enough for the heart to beat but insufficient for proper sustenance. hey, thats mercy now isn't it?
compassion is merely a new need, that of satisfying one's conscience, not a new invention either, just re-developed.
its all about perceptions. ill-concieved notions, and illusions.
reality is subjective, so why worry? why have debate as to whether we are living in a matrix?
if you have to question the meaning of life you have failed terribly. you've lost this game, i'm sorry.
its not that simple my friend.

and so we move on.